My husband gets me to scream his name by doing his signature move of not leaving any toilet paper in the bathroom.
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Tobacco causes Cancer
Alcohol causes Dancer
*bursts into a bank*
EVERYBODY GET DOWN ON THE FLOOR. GOOD. NOW PRETEND YOURE A BABY GIRAFFE TRYING TO STAND UP. GOOD. THIS IS AWESOME
“the immaturity and the copying are my main issues” I say in a whiny voice as my wife storms out of the counsellors office
I would like even faster food.
A doorbell rings. I immediately look up, shocked, as I don’t have one installed. It chimes again. I shiver. The sound vibrates in my soul. I lay aside my book, the text forgotten, and go inexorably to answer the summons. There’s a man there. He speaks,
“Hello. I sell doorbells.”
3: I’m going to say hi to that boy on the bike
Boy rides by & she waves shyly after he passes
3: He didn’t hear me
Me: Flirting’s hard
I don’t understand parents who have trouble saying no to their kids.
It’s literally my first instinct.
This diet is probably gonna end in murder, but still pretty excited. I’m gonna look so skinny in my mugshot!
[first date]
HIM: Can I call you sometime?
HER: [slowly slides napkin over phone] You can’t… I lost my phone
Using “whom” incorrectly at a party I wasn’t invited to
I used to think my mother in law liked me but then she bought our 11 year old a learn to play harmonica kit for his birthday
Just left a review for the telescope I bought — barely works. two stars
[Ouija Board]
“Oh great spirits tell me ur secrets”
You'll die soon
“OMG HOW”
Hold on I have another call
I wonder if the dinosaurs were this goofy when they had their extinction level event.
I JUST WON MY EASTER EGG HUNT!!! Those 8 year olds didn’t stand a chance to my pushing and sprinting. It was kinda like taking candy from a baby!
Pros & cons of being a skeleton:
Cons: no sex, love, food, friendship, books, music, movies, art..
Pros: you can play your rib cage like a xylophone
[gathers around casket and see’s it’s full of gatorade] uh oh, then that means
[grandma’s body is being dumped over the winning coach]
If happiness is a moving target and I’ve been chasing it all my life, why am I fat?
I’m not interested in your cat unless it’s on its 8th life and about to do something incredibly stupid.
Sometimes I look at my dog and get a little jealous, wondering why nobody ever tells me I’m a good girl when I take a sh*t outside
Sounds like a bargain
Star Wars (1st draft)
Obi Wan: These aren’t the droids you’re looking for
Stormtrooper: Yes they are
OW: No they’re nooot
S: Uh YAH they are
The fact that folks get so riled up over nudity but aren’t upset that anybody could be carrying a gun makes me want to shoot people.
My inner monologue 90% of the time: “I don’t get it.”
You can have a cereal that tastes good. You can have a cereal that makes you poop.
No. You cannot have both.
I do so love when I’m not on twit for a few hours and when I come back there’s something that everyone’s alluding to and I get to slowly piece together what happened like I’m reading the log on an abandoned ship
me: I was mugged by a snake
cop: was he armed?
me: *long pause* no
My 4yo just told his fish that he “needs a little space.” Dude, just step away from the tank.
I hate it when people say “Oh, I’m a vegetarian except for fish”.
Yeah? And I’m a non-smoker except for cigarettes. #WorldVeganDay
You would think that after 8 years of yelling at her dog, my neighbour would have learned that the dog doesn’t understand English. Try Spanish, you imbecile.