[Dark alley at midnight]
*Knife-wielding punk approaches
Me: “Don’t make me do something I might regret…”
*Punk sneers & raises knife
*I phone up and propose to my married high-school girlfriend
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[ME]: *pointing up to the sky writer plane* it’s a message for you babe
[GF]: oh how romantic
[SKYWRITER]: KATE WILL YOU MA-
[GF]: omg yes i wi-
[ME]: wait keep watching
[SKYWRITER]: -KE SURE TO BUY THE NAME BRAND COCOA PUFFS NEXT TIME LIKE I ASKED YOU IDIOT
Didn’t realize my teen was annoyed with me until she ordered a Coke at lunch even though we’re a Pepsi family.
There’s a new trend in China where people make and eat spiceless “white people lunch”, as form of self torture.
And their commentary has me crying 😭
I had a $25.00 gift card to Whole Foods, after chipping in another $4.75 I was able to buy two plums.
*holds Google Translate up to my kid’s mouth as he mumbles through a story with food in his mouth*
CBS: “Tom Petty is dead.”
Tom Petty: “Don’t do me like that.”
Doomsday prepper, smugly: When everyone else has died, my family will continue to suffer for upwards of 2-3 months
Her: You enjoy silently judging everyone, don’t you.
Me: Silently? No.
I found a condom lying in the street in front of my house so I now know exactly where the rubber meets the road.
Me: I’m just worried something really bad is gonna happen
Them *gives me a hug*
Me: and there it is
Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Is the sacrifice I made for 9 months not enough? Sharing my body and nourishing a child twice didn’t prove my level of unselfishness? Why must I constantly give and give and-
Husband: JUST LEAVE THE LAST TWO WAFFLES FOR THE KIDS YOU’VE ALREADY HAD 8
Despite evidence to the contrary, I still maintain typing louder and harder will magically make my incorrect password correct.
Möther may I have a snäck
I know my daughter is just like me because when I asked why she didn’t like her school’s guided meditation, she said: “Because don’t tell me when to breathe, that’s why.”
I will never understand the people who wait in a long line, finally arrive at the register and then act like they’ve been caught off guard by the requirement that they produce some form of currency for their purchase.
her: u excited for the next Star Wars?
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
chickens lay eggs every day right? so is that why we eat eggs? so chickens don’t take over the world?
Me: When I have a rough day, you’re there. When I need to cry, you’re there. Nobody helps me gain 10 pounds the way you do. Cheesecake:
Playing dead in the supermarket to avoid having a conversation with someone you know attracts more attention than I anticipated…go figure.
I don’t buy fat-free milk because I don’t want to encourage cows with negative body image issues.
If you haven’t woken up from a nap covered in stickers, did you even fall asleep while watching cartoons with your preschooler.
If you’re drunk when you die, are you drunk forever…?
I can’t be a sellout. I have no idea what anyone wants.
I look after you all day, cook all your meals and clean the whole house, but dad builds one lego thing and he’s the hero?
Actually that lego is pretty impressive, and if I’m honest I didn’t clean the whole house
The number of people I have accidentally assaulted while talking with my hands is less than fifty, probably.
Definitely less than a hundred.
my mothers motherly urge to make sure you are eating no matter how full you are
and then suggest you lose weight
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Keep me in your thoughts. My wife is unloading the dryer and I can’t find a corn bread muffin I had earlier. Pretty sure I left it in one of those pockets.
Doctor: [puts my arm in a sling]
Me: wait—
Doctor: [fires my arm out the window]
Me: wtf
Doctor: [shouting out the window] next time it’s a leg STAY OUT OF MY PARKING SPACE