11: how large is Scotland Yard?
Me: a yard is 3 feet. So…
11: never mind, I will ask google.
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Home Alone is my favorite movie about how child neglect and bad parenting is hilarious
Me to Hitman: in the bedroom. He is big.
Hitman*pulls gun & enters* where is he?
Me: on the wall!
Hitman: that’s a spider
Me: kill it!
[christmas day]
God: *opens gift* wow these are cool what are they
Angel: i call them wasps, they’re kinda like bees except they’re really angry, don’t die when they sting and serve no purpose whatsoever
God: they’ll be perfect for earth, thanks Lucifer
Me: What did she say about me?
Friend: She said you ask too many questions
Me: She said that? Too many questions? Really? Me? …What else?
Rihanna was named the sexiest woman alive. Is it really necessary to specify “alive”? Are they worried someone will dig up bodies & compare?
You can tell an awful lot about a person by the way they boil their underpants.
Mission Control: prepare to enter the vacuum of space
Dog Astronaut: wait the what now
If two pieces of pizza share the same pepperoni that is one piece of pizza. Don’t let anybody tell you differently
Halloween cuteness.. 🎃
🎥 IG: mr.smokey21
*invents time machine*
*goes to 1930 germany*
*points guns at young hitler*
What gives u the right to ruin a mustache style for everyone?
My son told me there’s a wee boy who comes into his room at night & plays with him.
A shiver ran down my spine, then I remembered I have another son & it’s probably him
My son has decided he loves avocado toast and now I have to get a second job.
Therapist: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Would I be here if I did? Did you really go to school for this shit?
Her: 😉 Is that a potato in your pocke…
Me: *pulls a steaming hot fully loaded potato from my pocket*
Guy in the dressing room next to mine: “I don’t want to get blood on these pants.” I want to reply, “Then stay out of my way on the catwalk”
“Let’s circle back”
– Lame corporate jargon
– No flair
– Boring“Let’s do the hokey pokey and turn this thing around”
– Unconventional
– Also useful at weddings
– Decisive (shows leadership)
– That’s what it’s all about
What they say:
Want a bite of my sandwich?What I hear:
How much of this sandwich can you fit in your mouth?
It’s like my cat doesn’t realize my retirement plan involves him doing something interesting enough to be famous on the Internet.
why is it called a caesarean section and not an escape womb
Walmart’s hair salon doesn’t charge extra to cut a live bat out of your hair.
I hope when the Avengers meet Spider-Man they give him shit for not helping when NYC got attacked.
SCIENTIST: You are my finest creation, and I love you like a son even though you’ve malfunctioned and now only say-
ROBOT: Fight me, dipshit
Things a raccoon and I have in common:
1) Dark circles around the eyes.
2) Likes eating junk.
3) We’re both cute but will kill you.
I like crazy people until they notice me
If I tell you I’m running 10 minutes behind, that means 10 minutes later than normal. So, 20 minutes-ish.
Left the kids alone in a room with some styrofoam. One just yelled “it’s snowing” and the other started singing jingle bells. What have I done
I was thrilled when this beautiful girl came up and asked me for a date.
Then I realised it was just because I work at a dried fruit stand.
Me: Define Illegal
Cop: You’re drunk, riding a horse, shooting a gun and yelling ‘For Narnia’
Me: I want my lawyer.
I see that my reputation for using just slightly the wrong word proceeds me.