I love when I can still smell your colon on my pillow the next day.
-why spelling matters
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So instead of doing laundry I just spent 2 solid hours ranking my laundry baskets from favorite to least favorite.
*applies conditioner to my to-do list to make it more manageable*
*sets down half eaten bag of potato chips on the elliptical*
You know you are old when you say “I’m old” and nobody wants to object to it.
Me: we can stay at the playground a little longer
3: for forever?! Yay!!
Me: for five more minutes
3: *bursts into tears*
“I’m just playing devil’s advocate here.” Ok why are you helping the devil?
Friggin’ narcs ruin everything
To the person who got hold of my voodoo doll.
Stop feeding it!
#Fitness #Diet #RubbishJokes
#SaturdayMorning
5yo [pulling a baby hat out of a drawer]: Why do we have this? Is this for when we have more babies?
Me: Ye-
Husband: NO MORE BABIES.
Hi 911, I’d like to report a drunk naked guy blasting off truck nuts w/ a shotgun. Time of incident? [takes drink] In about 20 minutes lol
Wifey and I overheard our 3 y/o talking to himself saying who’s my favorite, mama or dada? So we waited in suspense and then he said his favorite is baby and his second favorite is woofy. I can’t even beat the dog that pisses on his carpet when it thunderstorms.
I used to blame all my problems on my parents, but now that I’m a grown up, I have come to terms with the fact that when bad things happen to me, it’s probably just that Mercury’s in retrograde again.
Kids will say anything to procrastinate sleep. Tonight my 3yo called me into his room to tell me that he “bit his teeth.” Ok… well, now bite them with your eyes closed.
He reacted like the people in those David Blaine street magic videos
(first day as a bartender)
customer: fifth of scotch.
me: cool. i’m half Puerto Rican.
“My buddy can’t get a date it’s wild”
That sucks. What’s he like?
“He’s in great shape, hits the gym,”
But what’s his personality-
“He makes so much money. He has three Ferraris.”
How’s his personali-
“He wears three gold watches & a gold hat. Why doesn’t he have a gf”
At this point, I think the people on “The Walking Dead” are trying to bore the zombies into not biting them.
I see WWIII is about to kick off again. I’d best cancel the milk and get the cat in.
My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m starting to get a little worried about my cake.
Why do they put Valentines Day candy in a box shaped like a heart? It’s kind of like eating ice cream out of a lung…
Apparently, starting an impromptu game of leap frog with somebody bending over to tie their shoe is considered rude.
Church is boring.
[adoption agency]
Caseworker: Think you’re prepared to be a father?
*I perfectly execute the detachable thumb trick*
CW (taking notes): Excellent.
More foods should have boats, why should gravy have all the fun?
damn boy, are you a horoscope? because i’m selectively focusing on the parts of you that make sense for me
*Addressing the crowd that just watched me take 23 moves to park my truck*
ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!
Sony has a site where you can watch The Interview for $5.99 and I can’t think of a single reason not to trust them with my credit card info.
All I’m sayin is that you’re not gonna want my kid doing your taxes after being homeschooled by me.
“This is the coolest underwater sci-fi movie ever.”
-me, drunk, watching the pool vac
Sock seller: sorry, no Christmas discounts
Centipede grandma: please I have 1 grandchildren
1991: Mom gently rocks you to sleep
2024: Mom doesn’t rock you to sleep anymoreAnyone else notice this?