SUMMER BREAK WEEK 1
Kid: Can I have a popsicle for breakfast?
Me: No, absolutely not.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 2
Kid: Can I have a popsicle for breakfast?
Me: After you eat your real breakfast.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 3
Kid: What’s for breakfast?
Me: Popsicles.
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My husband talked me into cutting his hair and he thinks I did an amazing job.
Apparently it hasn’t occurred to him to take a look at the back.
Me when my husband says, “let’s go to the gym”
[Diner]
Waitress: Cops, and kids 5 and under eat for free
*me, discreetly nudging my 6 year-old*
my 6 year-old: im a police
[Supermarket]
Me: QUICK, WHERE IS YOUR FROZEN SECTION
Assistant: Aisle 7
Me: GREAT [opens trench coat and 6 penguins fall out] let’s go guys
I’m not religious until you need help moving on a Sunday.
Wife: morning
Me: good morning
Wife: my parents are coming over for dinner tonight
Me [pouring bleach in my coffee]: uh huh that’s great
In high school I was voted Most Likely to Be Shot Dead While Trying to Steal Something of Moderate Value From a Texan.
when I die, mix my ashes with the potato salad at the wake. I want people to mourn my passing twice
We do this thing at my house where somebody puts an empty pizza box on top of the trash can and then someone else puts trash on top of that and then another person puts trash on top of that and suddenly we’re all playing jenga in reverse
The danger of me asking why people don’t like Taylor Swift’s new boyfriend is that someone might tell me.
[during dinner on a date]
“I’m currently in university”
how long is your degree?
“normally a year, but I have dial up, so probably 2”
I’ll call it a smartphone the day I yell “where’s my smartphone?” And it yells
” Down here in the couch cushions”
Psychologists say that sleeping naked can help boost a person’s confidence, but nobody in this bus seems to appreciate it.
I call my phone Lois because it doesn’t recognize me without my glasses
Preparation, pacing, and focus are the keys to success.
The worst part of seeing my grandfather get run over while crossing the street is knowing that I have failed this driving exam
Do people who bring bikes on the subway know about riding bikes?
Being a parent means throwing your kids under a bus for how messy your house is when company arrives
You know you had yourself a weekend when the kids wake up Monday morning in the same pajamas you put them in Friday night.
Boy never ceases to amaze me
Captain: Did you break the sonar again?
Me: Yessir. I’m sorry
Captain: This is why we can’t have nice pings
My husband said he wanted complete honestly in our relationship
So I said I wanted a divorce
[day 1]
hello, world
[day 2]
bit less wobbly today
[day 7]
making other deer friends. getting funny looks tho
[day 26]
turns out i’m a hippo
Welcome to hipster fights. You can ironically hang your scarves over there. There’s PBR and tacos in the food truck. Don’t enjoy yourself.
the word “crocheting” pisses me off. like check out this new word guys, it’s called crowshaying but we’re gonna spell it like screaming with your head in a metal bucket.
The Amazon toy catalogue came to the house and my kids have already run up a 3 million dollar Christmas list tab.
Whenever I tell her that I want to put my Butterfinger into her MilkyWay, she Snickers.
“The best things in life are free.” ~ shoplifters.