commiting a crime and pretending to be a witness so i can get the police sketch artist to draw my oc for free
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As I get older I realize my eyesight is not what it used to be.
I saw ‘whole eggs’ and read it as ‘whale eggs’ and for a minute I thought “whales lay eggs?”
me: *looking down from a roof* a ladder would only slow me down now
“you should exercise for at least 30 minutes every day” ok and how much if you’re not trying to go to the olympics ?
Executioner: any last words
Me: [very fast] if I’m innocent say what
Executioner: what?
Me: oh man you’re sooooo going to get fired.
don’t like how strawberries have their seeds on the outside. kinda freaks me out. put a shirt on u little weirdo
I missed one episode of the news and now I have no clue wtf is happening.
I’m invincible. I can not be Vinced
Be the change you’re looking for
between the couch cushions.
Before you decide to spend less time on social media, make sure you go to every social media website and tell everyone.
5 Stages of Pregnancy:
1: Crying
2: Peeing
3: Crying because you peed
4: Peeing because you’re crying
5: The toilet is your home now
Flowers die, my love, so instead I shall give you a bouquet of Keith Richards.
You can buy wedding cake even if there’s no wedding, those suckers don’t even check
A recipe book of “traditional English meals” called ‘we’re getting the bland back together’
“Actually, you couldn’t get a dinosaur to do that, and a sundial wristwatch would be extremely impractical.” – me in the Flintstones writers room about to get fired.
Wrapping gifts and one kid has more than the other so to even it up I hope she likes this bag of potatoes.
*leads horse to water*
“You’re not gonna drink, are you?”
*horse neighs*
“It’s The Fountain of Eternal Youth.”
Horse: You’re not foaling me.
What do you call a man who does all the cooking, cleaning and washing without complaint?
Single.
Back off. I’ve got enough to deal with today without having to make your death look like an accident.
Being a mom means always wondering where that pee smell came from
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: I was going too fast?
Cop: Yes, you’ll get brain freeze
Me: [eats ice cream slower]
I tell people my parents are divorced, but technically we lost my mom in a corn maze
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
My toddler got me up at 4:30am because “Eeyore said it’s morning” Stupid donkey ruining my life
Don’t leave me hanging, Larry
I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve visited Chernobyl… it’s 14
Me ignoring red flags and clinging to toxic relationships because I’m a silly goose
TV COMMERCIAL: are you suffering from
ME: yes
Burn microwave popcorn in the lunch room to establish dominance.
[inventing that little handle inside the car]
engineer: what if there was a way for the driver’s mother to wordlessly express her mortal terror?
honey, i think the milk’s gone bad
“i only bought it yesterday”
yeah well, look at this..
*milk is running a meth lab in the fridge*