I’m the guy that lures fragile old ladies into my windowless van at night with Werthers Originals.Then safley escort them to the bingo hall.
You Might Also Like
[church]
1-year-old: *throws a tantrum*
Me: This is the worst place for a meltdown.
Wife: Nuclear power plants?
Me: Second worst place.
No more questions until my mom gets here
-Me to HR
*Guy tries giving me his phone number*
Me: Oh no thank you. I already have one
Cat burglar: Quietly steals all your valuables
Dog burglar: Eats your ham, sleeps in bed with you for awhile, wakes you up to go out at 3am
Someone on Facebook posted “Having the BEST DAY EVER!!”
So I posted the Sarah Mclachlan animal cruelty video in the comments
Alright…who left me unsupervised again?
Today I realised that fire engines don’t carry the water in the fire engine with them. Thought fire hydrants were an American thing. Didn’t realise we had them in the UK. I’m 36 and have two first class degrees
Remember, when asking for a raise, it is considered customary to be sober.
Me: *sitting naked on the exam table*
Doctor: Ma’am, that’s my desk.
Me: What?
Doctor: Are you ready for your hearing test?
Me: I’m depressed
Doctor: I’m going to inject you with dog DNA
Me: How will that help?!
Doctor: Who’s a good boy?
Me: I AM
I try to avoid things that make me fat, like scales, mirrors, and photographs.
Husband: “Why do you ALWAYS have to be on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
“The only difference between heterosexual and homosexual sex is which hole you stick it in.”
~my mother after a few drinks
Does the steam hitting me in the face when opening the dishwasher door before it’s drying cycle ends count as a spa day.
Cause I think it does.
Me: I’d like you to fudge some numbers please.
Accountant: First, that’s illegal. Second, this is your calorie counting app.
SERIAL KILLER: prepare to die
ME: thanks, you too
Most people quit when their ahead
Then there’s me
Hi
A lady once dmed and asked if we had internet in Brazil. I think about it a lot
Things I dipped in Nutella this weekend:
Animal Crackers
Pretzels
Strawberries
finger
Feelings
My last name is Zilla.
[a magic show]
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this…
[1 hour later]
…him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him (a policeman): my god, how many credit cards did you steal?
My dad lied a lot. I was 17 before I realized the ‘Silver Table Cat’ wasn’t a real species, and that we didn’t own a pet, we owned a toaster
*completely destroys wrapping paper by trying to swiftly glide the scissors to cut it*
When I was a kid $100 was a lot of money. Just like it is now.
Cop: did you even see what that sign said?
Me: oh, no I don’t know sign language…
Me : Dating is tough. Lots of weirdos out there ..
Me on first Date : so here’s everything I know about the Jonestown massacre.!
Day 30 on the desert island. Out of food. There’s no other option, I’m going to have to talk to the other survivors
I better not wake up later and find out stuff is still happening.
Me, to kids: “Yes, I’ll play, as soon as I finish my coffee.”
(Genius! We all know parents never get to actually finish a cup of coffee.)