I’ve become totally immune to clickbait and YOU WON’T BELIEVE HOW I DID IT.
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REALTOR: what size home are you looking for?
OLD LADY WHO LIVED IN A SHOE: 11 , 11 1/2
Being kidnapped is so much harder on the back after 40, let me tell you
Vacationing while single: Mai Tais on the beach.
Vacationing with family: Shaves 3 years off your life while going bankrupt.
If you’re bringing an acoustic guitar camping it will be used as firewood.
Maybe I carry an axe. You don’t know. I could love you to pieces…
it’s my first birthday in four years so say happy birthday to me rn or i’ll k*ll u with my bare hands
COMPUTER: Enter your password
ME: [types ‘posh_people’s_tea’]
COMPUTER: Your password is too weak
ME: [high fives computer]
Ok so for next Halloween ill be mozart.
“I’ll be beethoven!”
Yeah okay, calm down sally. So Mr. Terminator who will you be?“I’LL BE BACH.”
started wrapping my pills in cheese
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: omg, me too
I only took my daughter to work with me once when she was little.
She cried cos she was expecting to see all the clowns I said I worked with.
How excited are you, on a scale from 1 to white woman who just found out that this dinner party has sangria?
Time to go to the liquor store, I’m almost out of holiday spirit
Dracula had it right, sleep all day, live alone in a castle & explode into a thousand bats to get out of social situations.
Found out it’s $3000 to get laser eye surgery and $300 to get laser hair removal so I’m just gonna get the hair removal on my eyebrows and scootch up a bit when they start.
Teen, watching the halftime show: WOW. How old are these people?
Me: JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE THING WITHOUT RUINING IT FOR ME.
Android Oreo announced today; you’ll be able to update your devices by the time the next solar eclipse comes around.
Just once I’d like to see 25 tiny cars come out of a clown.
Quarantine has given me some free time so I made an exit survey for people who left me on read on dating sites
I hope the final frame of Breaking Bad is white text on black background: “None of this would have happened if we had Universal Healthcare.”
Why do people always ask me how my day off was? I’m a parent, my harshest boss is 3ft tall and lives in my house
12 YEAR OLD: I wrote a movie script called Suicide Squad but it’s bad *throws in trash*
HOLLYWOOD PRODUCER: *walks by trash* Hey what’s this
What you call “Brunch” I call “Breakfast for Alcoholics.”
There are zero recorded incidents
of mountain lions attacking
someone running
to the fridge for a snack.
shoutout to my mom who has reused the same Christmas gift bags for so long she just found a gift card to the Cheesecake Factory from 1999.
“Full of sound and fury signifying nothing.”–how I told my wife the baby was gassy but didn’t have poop. Thanks, English degree.
if we’re gonna be politically correct, the male counterpart to a mermaid is a merbutler
I’d rather go liquor treating.
[post sex]
Her: I wonder what he’s thinking about, I hope it wasn’t bad
Me: if you made tea from lizards it’d be called chamomeleon
I’m honestly counting down the days until my kids are old enough to watch Jaws, and I can tell them, “They filmed this movie where we vacation every summer. It’s a documentary.”