Me: I have this strange feeling that somebody in this house is possessed by an owl.
Wife: Who?
Me: 😮
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I thought getting old would include more naps, but I’m starting to suspect that old people only close their eyes to ignore everyone.
*Rolls window down*
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: is it because I’m literally running down the street pretending to be a car?
This chick just said Q as in cucumber.
I’ma just focus on me.
“Hey Google, set an alarm for 5 AM”
Google: “No. That’s stupid.”
I plan on being Batman for Halloween.
And now that I’ve told you all this, I realize I’m actually one shitty Batman.
Hey, thanks for having me over… But, It smells like something died in here and I’m pretty sure it was the housekeeper…
[watching burglar tear apart the house] lmao ur not even close
[creepy mansion]
ME: That portrait is watching us
MAN: No way
ME: [goes right up to portrait] I’m vegan
PORTRAIT: [rolls eyes]
ME: I knew it
I put my slacks on just like everyone else, from a waterslide into the loving yet frighteningly powerful arms of my pet minotaur Ferdinand
Why didn’t they just call the Selfie Stick a NarcissiStick?
“Are you submissive? 😏”
No, I’m off my meds with nothing left to lose
My children wanted to play neighbours and are very upset that I called the cops to report them for trespassing
Taking a break from my mental health to focus on Twitter
Oddly enough, ever since downloading
AdBlock onto my computer …..all the local girls in my area
seem to have lost interest.
I have to devil these eggs and I don’t want to. Where Satan when you need him?
Me: This is great! I love hiking in the woods! You never know if it will be a Hallmark moment or a Blumhouse moment.
Friend: Why are you like this?
Me: It’s like a choose your own adventure.
My kid was struggling to solve a complex math problem and tried unsuccessfully to ask Alexa for help. Being the responsible parent I am, I explained the best way to crowdsource a solution is to post the wrong answer on Reddit and 500 peeps will correct you in minutes.
Horrifically awaiting the day all the shampoo bottles in my shower decide to squeeze me back.
all ramen noodles come from one impossibly long noodle of disputed origins. no one knows how much is left or what will happen when it’s gone
[first day of ninja school]
“Okay, I can see all of you. Not a good start. Larry, you’re actually carrying a lit torch. Let’s try this again.”
To the twenty something year old girls who think forty something year old women are jealous of them- enjoy your next 240 periods!
“Fluffy died today”
“Oh my god I’m so sorry, was he a cat or dog?
“He was a boa constrictor”
“Well that made me feel better”
barbie baked bread before becoming bamboozled by bearded beavers
When she’s rage-cleaning the house, I help out by waiting until she starts to lose momentum before asking her what’s for dinner.
Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…
FUN PRANK: when a stranger hands you their phone to take a picture of their family, take a selfie instead and also steal their phone
For years I struggled to recreate my grandmother’s recipes till I discovered that “tablespoon” in her recipe book didn’t actually mean tablespoon but referred to this random goddamn spoon she had in her kitchen & all the other measurements in there had similar logic
My Uber driver upon seeing my face(not on my profile) switches his music from rap to the Chainsmokers and this is probably the worst I’ll ever be racially profiled
Thanks to the vaccine, I can now get in a car and argue with relatives in person.