The people who choose the “healthier option” at McDonald’s get a bad wrap.
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“Ma’am, are you aware that you were going 92 in a 55? I’m gonna need you to step out of the car.”
“Um, I have a boyfriend.”
You can never really *own* earbuds. You just have to appreciate the time you had together
good morning to everyone but especially to the woman in the dunkin donuts who smashed two glazed donuts together and ate them like a sandwich
Couldn’t finish the London Marathon. Gutted. Tried my absolute best. Just too tired. Maybe I’ll manage it next year.
Have put a film on instead.
her: [texts something funny]
me: [types hahahaha]
me: [stares at it]
me: [deletes one ha]
Whoever named them “sugar cookies” could’ve tried a little harder.
I really miss Jake. And Clyde. And Marissa. Gina too. I should stop naming my cupcakes right before I eat them. 🙁
Always be yourself. Unless you can be Batman.. Then be Batman.
BRO LMFAO
Now that I’m in my mid-forties I think I’ll take up parkour.
if a cop pulls u over play dead
Sharks don’t like the taste of human flesh, which must mean they are drama queens who only eat people for attention.
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid: You didn’t sew the hole in my bunny
Me..
Kid..
Me: It’s 3:07am
Kid: So are you gonna sew it now?
No, I was not playing with myself during the zoom meeting. I was petting my dog
11 lost a tooth the other day. He threw his tooth in the garbage, walked over to my wallet and took out $2.
He’s a better tooth fairy than I ever was.
Others: if you want your house to smell like xmas take a pot of water & add sliced oranges,cinnamon sticks, vanilla, peppercorns, cranberries, forage for 3 pine branches and simmer all day
Me: lights xmas candle
Being illiterate and having a girlfriend would be easy. They’d be like “did you get my text?” and you could just be like “I can’t read.”
If I was stuck on a desert island with only one record, I would want it to be the record for being able to swim the farthest.
Spelling matters. My husband texted me that we’re very low on time.
Thyme. He meant thyme.
Pediatrician: They’re only getting two hours of screen time a day, right?
Me: HAHAHAHA! I mean, yes.
My cat is meowing loudly so I told her to use her indoor voice and she was like, “bitch, I’m an indoor cat. This IS my indoor voice.”
Adulthood is getting your shit together but then forgetting where you kept it.
*sitting on a seesaw for 20 minutes*
…OK, there’s ONE downfall to being the last human alive.
I just ate what I thought was a feta cheese crumble from my salad off my shirt. Turns out it was deodorant. So how’s your day going?
My daughter once asked me if dinosaurs were around when I was little. She’s still grounded.
Wife: [on phone]
Me: Who are you calling?
Wife: The fire department.
Me: Why?
Wife: I need a permit to light your birthday candles.
[third date]
Her: please quit calling me Jenny
Me: oh my apologies Jennifer
Her: my name is Amanda
me doing my best
me: [selects “send verification code as text” on a website]
me three seconds later: oh boy a tex mesage
This one’s “Alex”.