Living with downstairs neighbors.. 😅
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When emails tell me to “Act Now!,” I immediately start reciting lines from Shakespeare.
Me: *grins* Couldn’t help but notice you checking me out.
Girl: Yeah, I’m a cashier at a grocery store. That’s my job.
I posted happy birthday bunny to my husband on Instagram. I’ve never actually called him bunny, but I didn’t have my glasses on and it was early in the morning and I meant to say baby and anyway, he’s bunny now. Forever.
[forgetting the phrase “your honor”] not guilty, hammer daddy
its actually not that difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. one will see you later and one will see you in a while
“Bob is coming over for dinner.”
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*
The audacity of my parents’ oldies station now playing 80s music.
If you don’t believe aliens walk amongst us, who else could write such unnatural dialogue in pharmaceutical commercials?
Sesame Street: this is an educational show
Me: oh yeah? what type of bird is that
Sesame Street: *flustered* a big one
Church: Follow Jesus.
Me: Does he follow back?
Church: ..
Me: ..
Church: ..
Me: Shoutout for shoutout??
Asked my wife if I was going to get a “tip” for driving her around today.
She laughed and laughed.
Apparently so hard, she got a headache.
When we were at the store, my daughter went up to a lady who was holding a pretty bottle and asked her what it is was and when she told her it was shampoo my daughter actually asked “What’s shampoo?” so I’m expecting a visit from social services any day now.
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *punches guy* Take that villain
CAPTAIN BRITAIN: *punches guy* Take that guvnor
CAPTAIN CANADA: *punches guy* I am so sorry
What’s it called when you wake up and have to delete 73% of your tweets from last night. Alcohol, it’s called alcohol.
Nobody ever talks about how effective letting dogs sleep in your bed is for birth control.
How many dates should you wait before revealing that you’re not proficient in Excel?
Me: Well, basically it sounds like when you’re crouching in an abandoned building on a remote planet in the future and a Cylon is scanning for your presence to destroy you.
Dishwasher Repair Man: That will be $200.
The only way I’d want to watch a video of you pouring a bucket of ice water over your head is if you promise you drown at the end.
Accidentally cut an old cat-5 cable and now the basement is flooded with internet.
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home.
Fun fact: you don’t need to be naked to thumb wrestle. Or oiled up
I’ll smash someone’s car window on a hot day if I see they’ve left a chocolate bar melting inside.
Her: I want a man who will carry me to the bedroom
Me: I gotchu babe *Gives piggyback*
[pitch meeting]
Okay so it’s a ton of dogs. Dalmatians. 100 of ’em. I call it “100 Dalmatians.”
[idea man pipes in]
Let’s think bigger
I got invited to an acquaintance’s baby shower, I thought I bought teeth rings, I bought this woman’s baby a freaking dog toy. 🙃
Mario: can I buy you a drink?
Peach: ew get a life
Mario: *eats mushroom* …now?
No thanks, body wraps. If I believed magic would make me thinner, I’d eat a wizard.
Any question can be a rhetorical question if you walk away fast enough.
*Breaks glass to steal Mona Lisa*
You crazy? Security will hear us
Security: HEY, WHAT’S GOING ON UP THERE?
NOTHING
Security: ALRIGHT
in ratatouille 2 we find out that the secret to remy’s talent was a flea named jacques who lived on his head and controlled him by tugging at his individual hairs