Relationship status: my husband bought a ukulele
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*Makes a meal plan for the week*
*Eats sandwiches every day instead because nobody tells me what to do*
Ideas for getting more exercise:
– Move the biscuits farther away
– Buy a heavier kettle
[first date]
HER: i’m really into guys-
ME (eager to impress her): me too
I get distracted pretty eas
mfs get a macbook and all of a sudden they got work to do in public places
What she said: Honey, I have this GREAT idea.
What I heard: Honey, I have this EXPENSIVE idea.
Dandelions are just like regular lions, except they wear ascots.
ME: It’s been suggested that you are the average of the 5 people that you spend the most time around. Over time, you actually become similar to them.
ZOOKEEPER: Get out of the penguin exhibit or I am calling the cops.
You totally had me at “I want you” and I was so excited, I completely missed the ” To leave me alone” part….Sorry my bad.
If I did the math right, 8 of you are serial killers and 1,246 of you are eating Nutella.
Protip: If your spouse says “Thanks for the help” when you didn’t do anything don’t reply “You’re welcome”.
Just started a new diet where I order Wendy’s salad and then eat all my kids’ fries.
I called someone persnickety today. He looked so taken aback. Some people can’t handle that kind of hip vibe & powerful sensuality I guess.
Me: Quit knocking stuff off the coffee table
Cat: You aren’t my real father
Me: What?
Cat: Meow?
Occasionally I set cases of beer out for the garbage men. Never know when you might need them to take out “suspicious” trash w/out questions
the first thing you learn to draw in art school is money from your parents bank account
I have never ONCE dropped a roll of toilet paper without it dramatically unrolling half of itself
Lost the library card. Been missing over a month.
Went and got a new library card.
Came home, put library card in a safe place and found old library card in the same spot.
Cops: put your hands where we can see them
Invisible man:
Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year. For Christmas can I get zero emails from the PTA, and just one a day from the school?
Actually, Frankincense was the name of the doctor who created it. You’re thinking of Frankincense’s monster.
“You make your own luck!”
– Lucky People
Love is that feeling you get when you meet that special someone who hates all of your friends.
“You gotta get me out of here, man.”
“Relax, Monty, I’m working on it.”
“You talk to my lawyer?”
“Yeah, the cops don’t have shit.”
“Okay, good. How’s Theresa?”
“Fine, her mom’s staying with her.”
“Thanks for all this, Frankie.”
“Hey, that’s what cousins are for.”
My favorite pastime is roasting marshmallows over the bridges I burn.
If I ever had an out-of-body experience I would at least insist upon an upgrade upon my return.
December 1st:
Smoked a cigarDecember 8th:
Finally got the taste out of my mouth
I wonder how many other Sandy’s have come into men’s lives and taken their cars and houses, too.
Cute skinny girls wearing weird mismatched clothes: hot quirky hipsters
Me wearing weird mismatched clothes: homeless lady from the 80s