Take me with you! I shout to every airplane that flies over my house.
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You can’t hurt me, you’re not Amazon Prime telling me that I might also like Crocs.
If I was in charge of SWAT I’d change the name to the “Special Weapons And Grenades” team just so police would have to radio in for SWAG
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? Because your man’s out here denying you exist.
“You can’t come in here with a dog.”
“I’m blind. It’s my seeing eye dog.”
“No way. They don’t breed Chihuahua service dogs.”
“They gave me a Chihuahua?”
Things that interrupt sex:
20s: drunk roommate walks in on you
30s: kids walk in on you
40s: spouse walks in on you
50s: foot cramp
If you are feeling tired, let someone see you rip the head off a stuffed animal and eat the stuffing, and then you will have lots of time to rest.
You don’t have to do it my way, you could do it wrong also.
I love that cats slap the shit out of everything they cant understand.
We’re way too stupid in our 20’s to be picking life partners
Googles *getting back in shape*
Google: back?
Look son, every man is nervous the first time. Just take a deep breath, walk up to her, look her in the eye and ask her for directions.
Me trying to “trust the process”
me: where do I pay
doctor: on your way out
me: I don’t know if I want you at my funeral
Her: You ate that banana so fast, I don’t even think you took the sticker off the peel.
Me: Peel?
Canada has Nova Scotia but won’t tell us what happened to Scotia. What are they hiding?
Back to the Future IV: Marty Mcfly stops being obsessed with his own family and goes back in time to kill Hitler.
I rode in the back seat with my baby until she was big enough for a front-facing seat because she cried not being able to see me.
It made it hard to drive but the peace and quiet were worth it.
Music Royalty Succession Chart
Queen
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Prince
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Duke Ellington
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Steve Earle
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Lorde
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Lady Gaga
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Sir Mix-a-Lot
John Lennon: Here I stand head in hand, Turn my face to the wall—
Me: um, it’s fine if you just count to 20 while we hide
I’m always punctual, which is why I hope to be cremated and used in an hourglass.
My son came home and told me a classmate spoiled a huge part of Harry Potter for him, so now I have to meet a 2nd grader behind the bleachers at 3pm with my nunchucks.
Nurse: Doctor this man needs an IV!
Roman Empire doctor: OF WHAT? HE NEEDS 4 OF WHAT?!
I’m sorry but divorce stories aren’t specific enough. If I sat through 3 slideshows of your wedding shoes I want details. How long did he let that saucepan “soak”.
Has anyone else noticed when time travelers grab you buy your shoulders and ask what year it is and you tell them, they don’t reply, “then I’m not too late” anymore?
That’s kind of worrying.
The inventor of the wooden spoon: this will change cooking forever
Italian Mothers: I can’t wait to hit my kids with this
How much for the angry lawn gnome?
That’s my toddler.
If we are in a “do not laugh” situation, do not look over at me
They offered me money to promote a product in my Twitter account, but my dignity is strong, as Axion “The true grease stain remover”
Why don’t they make posters that go this hard anymore
[red carpet during zombie apocalypse]
“Who are you eating?”