I’ve been reading your Oscar tweets, and America should not vote on things as a general rule going forward.
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We all look like talking skeletons to Superman. Even his parents. I don’t know how that kid slept at night.
What I really need is a visit from the ghost of christmas don’t cut your own bangs.
You can’t hurt me. You aren’t my GF coming back after 3 days away, only to walk past me to say hello to the dogs first.
I just did yoga. No wait, yogurt.
ME: do u like smart guys
GIRL AT BAR: yes
ME: sorry i wasted your time
*overheard from the other room
8yo: Can I have an ice cream sandwich?
Grandma: Did you finish your dinner?
8yo: No
Grandma: Just one then
[my gf actually turns into a worm]
me: oh my god. it’s ok, i’ll still go out with you
my worm gf: [sees a cool worm wearing a leather jacket] i think we should see other people
As my grandma used to say, if a bear is sitting on your couch, you’ve drunk too much. If you’re not drunk, why aren’t you running?
A bold strategy
Got all naked, baby oiled myself up, and jumped on his desk.
Slid into the wall so hard I’m suction-cupped
remember
only for emergencies
So I went to the store and bought 5 oranges, but somehow I lost 2 on the way home. Then when I got home I found I had 3 oranges behind the coffee machine — and now I’m officially the guy from the math problem you hated.
I was raised catholic which means I have to close my eyes when I peel a banana.
Life’s most terrifying 10 seconds: Being held hostage in the corner of the shower by cold water.
Me: How was school?
6-year-old: Why do you always ask that?
Me: …because I want to know.
6: That’s not a very good reason.
*gazing up at stars*
Her (whispering): is that the Big Dipper?
Me (a barista): actually the technical term for it is Venti Dipper
I think whoever invented horseradish knew exactly what those two things tasted like together
Once again I feel like I slept in a washing machine.
i love that bands still pretend to leave before their encore. like peekaboo for adults
Bury me with thousands of bottle caps so whoever finds me 2000 years from now really freaks out
Murder hornets don’t sting as bad as accidentally opening the front camera.
There is a football player named Drew Sample?
He missed his true calling of phlebotomy.
some people try so hard to be anti technology “i don’t watch tv i watch the sunrise and my favorite director is god” can u calm down
[marketing meeting]
Boss: so what did we come up with for these little pieces of potato?
The Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Tater children
[in the park]
ME: aww look a baby
WIFE: is it on me?!
ME: um no it’s in a stroll-
WIFE: *swatting herself* I FEEL LIKE IT’S ON ME
Who called them fake potatoes and not imitaters.
If I yell loud enough I can turn this whole game around.
– dads at kids’ basketball games
You are visited by the ghost of H.P. Lovecraft. He whispers to you about a terrifying, eldritch horror he saw outside. You have to explain that it’s just the car dealership’s inflatable dancing tube man.
[inventing the pelican]
god: ok so we ran out of beaks but i found this traffic cone
Don’t we all.