*travels to Tibet*
*scales Mount Makalu*
*finds sacred Guru on the summit*Guru: We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.
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I’d run a marathon but I don’t know if I can handle the commitment. I mean a lifetime of telling every person you meet you ran a marathon?
…in my purse, in my coat pocket, in the fridge, in the pantry, beside the corkscrew…
[Chapstick Season]
doctor: how’s the weight loss plan going?
me: i’m doing my best
doctor: are….you drinking a glass of ranch?
me: best doesn’t mean good
8: [looking at a picture list of US presidents]. Why are they all SO OLD?
14: because you have to be old to be the president. Like, 40 and older.
me, 40: what in the shit did you just say?
Are there Jewish exorcisms? Where the demon comes out, and just tells you to call your mother?
What are WE?
WRITERS!!!What are WE gonna do?
WRITE!!!When are WE gonna do it?
Ooh look a (Instagram, Twitter, Pinterest, YouTube) notification. Probably later!
* has cake for breakfast
* can’t finish afternoon run/calls an Uber
* blames running shoes
I saw a bumper sticker that said “retired AF”
Not sure if he was Air Force, or just super retired
My daughter helped make dinner and decided to cook the entire box of spaghetti so if any of you gets hungry in like the next month and half hit us up
I’m just saying honey, if I sound like a cat throwing up hair balls the next day…it may be time to trim things up a bit.
A funny thing I like to do is yell ‘God, not your WHOLE hand’ when the doctor does a pelvic exam.
What happens when you retweet a compliment about how humble you are?
My vehicle’s anti-theft device is standard transmission.
I was laid off by Twitter today. I’m an algorithmicist and psychological operations specialist looking to possibly transition into nation-state level disinformation broadcasting roles. Please DM me if you have any leads!
*weighs myself in kilograms to own the lbs
I wonder if BBQ thinks about me too.
There are two types of people: those who love terrible puns, and those who are no pun.
Lol.
One of the scariest things is when you say something that forces your wife to take off her glasses before she responds.
Keep a pencil behind your ear so you always look busy.
I just accidentally read “Federal” as “Feral” and it made zero difference to the article.
[Hears kids approaching]
Me: Think we can outrun them?
Wife: Them? I just need to outrun YOU.
A joke is only funny if both of you are laughing.
*and other lies we tell our kids
A Quiet Place but it’s just me trying to open a piece of cheese without my dog hearing
My 5 year old still has so much to learn. I asked him for a screwdriver and he brought me some sort of tool.
when you say the word “spit” you have at least two opportunities to do so
when you burst out your jeans
and then eat human beings
you’re a werewolf
If your wife offers to cook you eggs and bacon at 3 in the morning, it’s not your wife and you’re at the Waffle House drunk again.
ME (wakes up from coma): whatve I missed
WIFE: Trump’s running for prez & the Cubs are favs to win the World Series
M: haha ok but srsly tho