I don’t drink and drive because I can’t ever find my car keys when I’m sober.
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Geese are too effing smart for my comfort level and frankly I don’t know why more folks aren’t alarmed. Geese are like cats only they can honk; oh and also they can fly. And they can fly in a spaceship formation; with collective grace that puts even the best Zumba class to shame.
Me: Hey bud, you want to read a book?
3:
Me: Do a puzzle?
3:
Me: Paint?
3:
Me: Okay well I have to put your brother down for a nap. Just be quiet please.
3: [Leads a marching band through living room while on parade float]
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
You can tell how single I am by the way my cat and dog wear their sombreros with quiet dignity and acceptance.
How many times does it have to be aliens before Scully believes? How many times does it have to be a guy in a mask before Shaggy doesn’t?
[puts a tub of Blue Bell in the cart]
Ma’am, did you hear there was a recall? That could be deadly.
[slowly puts second tub in cart]
[at the vets]
ME: I think my chicken is refusing to lay eggs to spite me
VET: Your chicken is a cock
ME: Tell me about it
An OnlyFans but for bedtime stories.
Her: tell me want I want to hear baby
Me: your order is on its way
Her: oh god, yes!
As I’m loudly interrogating my stuffed animals on why I’m single, I realize why I’m still single.
*pauses show* Kids, back in my day we couldn’t watch episode after episode. We would have to wait each week on a specific day and time for a new episode and if we missed it … ARE YOU GUYS WATCHING THE SHOW ON YOUR PHONES?!
Being a grammar perfectionist with big hamds and a small keyboard is the reason I have amger issues.
I’m not a religious person but I am thankful that God didn’t make spiders that fly.
Incredible news from Britain. This changes everything
I’ve been obsessed with random unnecessary quotation marks since I was a kid.
This is easily the most terrifying example.
It’s been about 3 years since my last drink and I’m still hungover.
[My wedding]
Priest: We really do need your hand in order to exchange rings.
Me: But my dress has pockets!
(trying to explain what adulthood is like to a kid) you know in sims when you put a guy in the pool and then you take all the ladders out.
I’ll take 2 tacos and one jail marriage…
They’re the worst 😩
My accountant just googled when tax day is in front of me.
I’m going to jail.
i wish my midlife crisis made me want to get a gym membership and a revenge body, but instead I’m eating snickers for breakfast in bed.
Welcome to your 40’s: the waitress is not hitting on you dude.
If a company’s hiring sign says, “Come grow with us,” you’re about to do the work of 3-5 people.
Guys, please stop wearing Nasa shirts, I bet you can’t even name one of their songs
Spice up grocery lists for your partner:
Im so thirsty- juice
Make my mop wet- shampoo
I only moo for you- you get the idea
The great thing about roadkill is you can teach your kid about wildlife and road safety simultaneously
I know restaurants have to make a living but a pet hate is “extra toppings: £2.30!” and then it’s clearly one anchovy or half an olive spread around the pizza
Nothing makes you feel more like a genius than answering incorrectly to your kid’s interactive tv show…
[30 years into the future]
me: you know netflix used to send films by post
my amazon smart watch: 0.3% Productivity loss detected. Hourly rate reduced to $1.12 for 7m21s. Please refrain from talking on the packing line. Please say “Productivity” to acknowledge
me: productivity