[date night]
*puts on clean sweats*
*clips toenails*
*removes mouth guard*
*dabs a little Dorito dust behind each ear*Let’s do this.
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I bet you don’t believe it, but I lived on Mars for years.
However, only eating chocolate did rot my teeth.
#ChocolateDay #RubbishJokes
they said marry your best friend but then got all weird when I proposed to my dog pick a lane
I wish ‘You idiot.’ was an appropriate way to end a work email.
Me: Would you remarry if I died?
Wife: Yes.
Me: What?!? Would you at least WAIT awhile?
Wife: Depends. Are you dead because I killed you?
me: sometimes I don’t do dishes for so long I’m completely out of silverware, so when I finally do them I have no reference fork and can’t remember where they go. Despite going in the same place for 5 years.
guy just trying to mug me: did you say “reference fork”?
If I say “Bloody Mary” three times in the mirror in the dark I get a free drink, right?
straight people: gay marriage is an embarrassment to marriage!
also straight people:
Googled woodworking. Broke my coffee table down and built a birdhouse. Desk is now a birdhouse too. Pretty much everything’s a birdhouse now
Every time I cross the border into Canada they search my car with a fine tooth comb.
Maybe I should take off the “Honk if you love the Taliban” bumper sticker.
if by “picking up hotties at the club” you mean going to costco for rotisserie chicken then yeah i am
My interior decorator quit on her first day on the job.
I told her to paint all the walls in my house to be green screens.
birds: it’s peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
Me: *Swimming with dolphins*
Wife: How the hell did you get those in the tub?
The first rule of hydration club is where is your restroom?
I remember my first time at a mic. “Cleanup on aisle 5” & “Price check-Advil” were two early bits that really seemed to resonate with folks.
HIM: And a trillion dollars.
GENIE: Alright, cool, that’s your last wish.
HIM: Haha, thanks! Too bad wishing for infinite wishes isn’t allowed.
GENIE: Why wouldn’t that be allowed?
HIM: It’s… it’s one of the rules.
GENIE: I’ve literally never heard that.
Tomorrow is my company’s office holiday potluck. I really hope they like the french fries I found between my car seat
Groceries be like
$5.47
$.89
$4.99
$6.99
$1.25
$1.25TOTAL: $76.42
Yeah? Well the Bible also tells us that abstinence isn’t 100% effective, Mary.
Arachnophobia is stupid I mean why are we all terrified of a bug that knits all day?
ME: I’d like to return a defective boomerang
SHOPKEEPER: Ok. Where is it?
ME: I have no idea
why is everyone concerned about dying alone i don’t even want people to see me eating spaghetti
If I wasn’t meant to have a bowl of Halloween candy for dinner, I should’ve had more trick or treaters.
My boss yelled at me for napping at work, even though I had a clearly posted “do not disturb” sign.
*Salem 1692*
Witch: I’m not a witch!
Judge: Look, if we’re being honest, you’re on trial for being a woman. Don’t make this weird
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *punches guy* Take that villain
CAPTAIN BRITAIN: *punches guy* Take that guvnor
CAPTAIN CANADA: *punches guy* I am so sorry
[getting an x-ray]
TECHNICIAN: Quit putting that box of chocolates on your chest.
ME: Just tell me which ones are coconut.
FOOL people into thinking you’re a time traveller by angrily demanding what year it is
It is officially too cold for Canadians to pretend liking cold weather is part of our cultural identity