Batman Begins Twerking #AddaWordRuinaMovie
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My mother-in-law is visiting & I told my 14-year old to make menus for brunch this morning & they just invented the most popular restaurant in Williamsburg.
A Quiet Place was the WRONG movie to sneak kettle chips into.
How many different places do you look for something before you decide it’s lost?
Men – 2
Women – 1,768
for all its faults Twitter is still one of the best places to provide that unbeatable feeling: learning of someone’s existence for the first time and immediately wishing death upon them
Zoom is really only for one thing: realizing our dream of staring at ourselves while talking to other people.
Me: I wanna travel somewhere
My bank account: To the other room? or?
Me: *finally asleep*
Raccoons: Let’s have a rave on the deck and scare the shit out of her at 4am!
Keanu Reeves: THERE’S A BOMB ON THE BUS! IF WE GO UNDER 50MPH WE’LL EXPLODE!
Me: [while maintaining eye contact, presses “Next Stop” signal]
I once broke up with a guy because he ate half my french fries, and when I get really lonely, I still think about those french fries.
No my Darling, I won’t be skipping to the loo. I have a situation and I shall be walking, ever so slowly, ever so carefully, to the loo. Like I’m transporting nitroglycerin in a Conestoga over the Sierra Nevada.
*goes 100mph in Prius
*gets pulled over by police
Cop: HOW
If the kids can eat chocolate eggs for breakfast, that means I can have Bailey’s in my coffee, right?
I saw a woman really screaming at her kids in public this morning, but in her defense, the kids were ugly.
Reaction when you try to get out of plans but the person keeps rescheduling so you can make it.
wife: we are doing christmas with my family this year
remembering how me and my uncle got in a fist fight over whether the grinch is british: that’s fair
I’ve lost more friends to Candy Crush than Crystal Meth.
The road to hell is paved with good intentions
Note to self…avoid good intentions at all costs.
[Calls Ex-Girlfriend]
Remember all those hair-ties and Bobby pins you lost? Well, I found all 5,000 while moving.
Apparently it’s “not normal” to ask a guy his blood type or how healthy his organs are
another day another dollar?
where’d you find a dollar?
I’m like a semicolon; most people don’t know what to do with me.
the only organized thing in my life is crime
The horror when you realize you’ve drunk DMd a picture, the relief when you see it’s you holding your neighbor’s new puppy.
“WHAT DO WE WANT?!”
“SELF-CONFIDENCE!”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?!”
*everyone breaks eye contact and starts mumbling*
Picked my kid up from a playdate at a pristine home and the mom said “excuse the mess” so I guess that’s the end of that friendship
CONTRACTOR: *shows up to my house with a paintball gun*
ME: You’re gonna paint my den with that?!
CONTRACTOR: *chewing cigar* You want it done right or done fast?
ME: *Considers* … come in.
Dad law states that you can use your kids’ piggy bank money to pay the ice cream truck. Especially when your wife and kids aren’t home.
This is no longer an app but a mishapp
[1st date]
HER: I’m such a nerd! I love when a guy talks sciency
HIM: Oh haha [to waiter] A salad with umm *sweating* kilo-island dressing
My doctor says I shouldn’t brush my teeth. I guess that’s why he’s not a dentist