Police officer: You get to make one phone call.
Me: Do I have to?
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[Robert Oppenheimer, hands clasped behind back, standing in front of the newly completed atomic bomb] Now I am become death, destroyer of worlds…
[another scientist who worked on the project] me too
Work tip: Anytime someone leaves a room, ominously say, “And they never saw him again.”
I like how having Piñata’s at a child’s birthday party teaches them to beat the shit out of something until they get what they want. Nice.
ELECTRICIAN: [walks into home]
GF: WHY ARE YOU IN SO LATE?
E: Honey, we’ve talked about this.
GF: [sadly] Ok…. wire you insulate?
How come mimes never imagine being in bigger boxes?
“i have good news & bad news”
wife: bad news 1st
“the washing machine broke”
wife: and the good news?
“the dogs are clean AF”
I wonder what song the Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make a bikini top?
nature’s most graceful animal
The only reason to engage with a neighbor is if either of you is on fire.
@Mardigroan @sofarrsogud If you own a coffee shop and aren’t having a July Froth sale, what are you even doing?
My daughter told me she wants to be a secret agent. Based on that alone, I don’t think she’d be a good secret agent.
Show her you’re into her by running your toes through her hair
Marriages are like pancakes. Sometimes you gotta throw the first one out
Elephant: wow I’m huge, what do I eat?
God: peanuts
Elephant: what?
God: *remembering Mr. Peanut breaking up with him over text*
Elephant:
God: all of them
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
[First day as a hacker]
Boss: what’s taking so long?
Me: adobe needs updating
Me: I want a labrador but all the pet shops are too expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’
I just told my boss that “STFU” stands for “Sincere Thanks For Understanding” and it’s REALLY important that none of you tell him otherwise
one thing the entire animal kingdom has in common is the face we make when our kid won’t shut up
it sucks that the 2020 election’s approach of both candidates offering us competing stimulus checks has vanished. please bring that back. please bribe us with money.
too many boring kid names like “chris” and “logan” if i had a kid i’d name him something badass like “the shovel”
Sometimes when I’m sitting in a swivel chair, I’ll turn around quickly and smile and pretend I’m in the opening credits of a sitcom
pir·ou·ette – /ˌpirəˈwet/ (noun)
1) An act of spinning on one foot
2) A tiny gay pirate
6yo: Newton discovered gravy
Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.
6yo: what’s that?
Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space
6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy
B2….
or not B2…
That might be the number.
–Shakespearean Bingo Caller
“First off I want to wish my opponent the best of luck and oh god. OH GOD NO” – presidential candidate accidentally using their 3rd wish
My 7yo: Mom, were you alive in the one-thousands?
Me: What?
7yo: The ONE-THOUSANDS
Me: *dawning realization* Yes…..yes I was born in the one-thousands. In the 1980’s.
7yo: WHOA 🤯
Me: babe, I don’t mean to be THAT person but you breathe way too loud & I can’t fall asleep.
*Vader grabs a blanket & moves to the couch*
“I’ll just use bug spray”
Mosquitos in the Midwest