Me: I prefer telling outside jokes.
Coworker: Don’t you mean inside jokes?
Me: Not to you
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Worst part of being an idiot is always forgetting it. If I was a smart person, I’d remember I was an idiot from the start and plan around it
Interviewer: what did you bring to the table
Me: in my last job I brought a lot of enthusia-
Interviewer: no what did you just put on my desk
Me: u mean my toad
My husband got his hand stuck in the dishwasher.
So of course I had to fire her.
My therapist after every session
Happy mothers day to all the moms out there.
Don’t frighten the programmers!
I never really understood the tiny house trend, but then I saw one where the bed was literally in the kitchen, and now I get it.
Let them kids believe in Santa! You believe you’re cute no one says shit
Pro tip: If you keep a glass of wine in each hand you can’t accidentally touch your face.
My toddler gave me his Christmas list and it’s ridiculous. Like a majority of this stuff sounds completely made up. “Robot crab that transforms”? Why would anything like that even exist?
*checks Amazon*
I wonder if he’d like that crab in red or blue
One of the fun things about being married is your spouse stops asking what you want from take out restaurants.
You get what you got last time.
Want something else? Too bad. You should have ordered it last time.
*arouses suspicion*
Suspicion: I have a boyfriend. But c’mere.
*in a job interview*
No no it’s not a teardrop tattoo it’s supposed to be sweat. It shows I’m a hard worker
let me be very clear: i would rather attend a Pig’s wedding than attempt to sift through the dumpster you people have made out of my dm box,
there are 2 wolves inside me, but please no one tell my landlord
One time I was trying to get a big game to run on an old computer but it didn’t have enough free memory so I compressed the hard drive, twice. That computer never worked again, in case you’re looking for an IT guy.
Go to tattoo shop to get both legs fully covered. Before he touches me w that needle, I run off yelling ‘thanks for the free shave loser!’
Naked and afraid, but it’s just me taking off all of my clothing before I weigh myself.
it took 26 tries to get this “messy” bun to look just right and he asked why I didn’t do my hair today, so I hit him with the shovel
officer: fair enough
They say Stouffer’s family-size lasagna serves 6.
Challenge accepted. [grabs fork]
lapland disappeared when finland got up from a chair
Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club
Guy: The meeting was yesterday
Me: I know
Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good
[walking into museum]
i must read each and every description, really soak up the history
*after 20 minutes*
can i sit on this or is it art?
TOUGH GUY: *pointing to his arm* I got this scar saving a child from a burning building.
ME: *pointing to my face* I got this one bobbing for pineapples.
Netflix subtitles be like [Speaking Spanish]
bro you gonna translate it or??
[Takes dog to park]
*waits for romantic comedy to begin
That’s a good costume, I hope.
Librarian: Shhh!
Me: *changes blender to low setting*
roses are red, violets are blue
*arnold schwarzenegger voice*
tell me who is your daddy
and what does he do
Lois : Clark, are those binoculars?
Clark Kent : Yes, I can’t find my glasses.
Lois : Put them down for a second.
Clark :
Lois :
Clark : No