religion? um, ha, no. i’m not really into the idea of letting a set of ancient rules dictate my life. plus, pisces aren’t usually religious
You Might Also Like
Happy Thanksgiving!!! (Penny wanted to dress up as a “Fancy Turkey”… Pls nobody tell her!!)
Her: why are you covered in egg
Me: I got into a fight
Her: did you win?
Me: yes It was over, easy
I’m watching Peppa Pig right now and I’m wondering what Papa Pig’s side hustle is that he can afford to take his whole family the Paris on a cement inspector’s salary.
8: does my meal come with puppypuffs?
me: wut
8:
me: OH hush puppies?
8: oh. Yea
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
Lunch dates with spouses perplex me. I’ll just see you later at home for free.
It do be feeling this way.
“It says on your profile you’re part of an orchestra? What instrument do you play?”
“Gun”
I hope the aliens aren’t good at basketball. My chances of making it into the NBA are already slim.
I just pulled two buckets that were stuck together apart by myself, so someone might want to let the guy that recruits Avengers know.
God: I made spring time so that all could witness nature’s rebirth!
Satan: I make people scroll down to find their birth year.
As I basted the turkey, I swear I heard it say “just not in my hair”
you’ve heard of fomo now get ready for fobi (fear of being included)
“Life Is a Highway” has gotta be my favorite song about having sex with a road
*opens door*
Stop screaming!
*opens door*
What broke?!
*opens door*
Just wait until I get out there!!
~parenting from the bathroom
Me, to everyone: Why can’t I fall asleep
Everyone: Lack of exercise and too much caffeine
Me, to internet: Why can’t I fall asleep
Internet: European dragon flu
Me: Oh nooooo
If you heard twenty minutes of moaning from my bedroom that was just me trying to stand up.
please sir. my succotash. it’s suffering.
the thing where a kid draws a scary picture and shows it to his teacher, alerting her to a terrible situation happening at home, but it’s my kid drawing a pic of me eating an entire box of donuts
Before a long trip I drink allot of alcohol the night before. Dehydration will work for me for once.
My toddler just called the cheese he’s eating “medicine for my belly”.
Even kids understand the healing powers of cheese.
I agree noisy knees. I SHOULD stay on the couch
There was no Internet when I was a kid. If you wanted to talk to a pervert, you had to go find one.
If you try to rob my house, you should know that the item in the house I paid the most for are my son’s braces.
My friend showed me her new vegan pants. I know vegans can be annoying and everything, but should we really be making pants out of them?
church choir: faatherr, sonn, aand hoolyy g-
[the ghostbusters barge in]
church choir, nervously: -oooats
[ghostbusters slowly back out]
“heyyyy you’re on speaker” is code for “please don’t say anything bad about the people i’m with”
Dig one moat around your house and everyone’s all “you’re being unreasonable” and “where did you get the alligators”
Me: *Does one 30-second Google search for giraffe pictures to use in a joke I’m texting someone*
Pinterest email: HERE ARE 48 BOARDS OF GIRAFFES YOU MIGHT ENJOY BECAUSE YOU ARE OBVIOUSLY A GIRAFFE FANATIC
I guess cinco de mustard didn’t have the same ring to it