my serotonin level is perusing other interests it seems.
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My dad had a good idea. Sometimes when cars drive by your house they honk at you. But you can’t respond. That’s where House Horn comes in
And Satan said “Let them drink instant coffee”.
DOCTOR: im writing u a prescription
ME: [winking] nice thanks doc i wont tell anyone
DOCTOR: again, this is totally legal
ME: shh be cool
Nothing says I don’t want to be here like taking the gym elevator to the second floor.
When you think your man is being romantic but really he just doesn’t have electricity.
Splinter: my sons i have good news and bad news
Leonardo: what’s the good news
Splinter: after 16 years of training you are ready to leave the sewers
Raphael: what’s the bad news
Splinter: your shells have grown too big to fit thru the manhole
God: you have terrible eyesight.
Bat: oh no.
God: don’t worry I’ve got a pretty great solution for you.
Bat: sweet!
God: you scream, fly in that direction while you try not to crash into a wall.
Bat:
God:
Bat: I thought you were gonna say glasses or something.
[In the White House war room]
Me: You know Militia would be a great name for a girl.
[first day working as a librarian]
ME: shhhhhhhhhhhhhh
HR MANAGER [annoyed]: as I was saying
Sorry I’m late. The door said PULL, but I don’t believe everything I read.
Sorry I didn’t text you back, my hands are sore from karate chopping loaves of bread in half and feeding them to starving children all day.
Somebody better tell me what extortion means or I am going to start breaking kneecaps
I like to take down Christmas decorations in stages. Right now in the stage where I sit on the couch with a cup of tea in denial that I need to take down the Christmas decorations.
No matter how hard I try, I just never seem to run out of bad ideas.
Asking your mom, “Will there be any pretty girls coming?”
Is a good way of getting out of going to your family reunion..
Standing in the snow on a sub-zero morning, holding a steaming bag of poop, I begin to question my ‘dogs are better than people’ philosophy.
My eldest is at the age where she’s starting to ask questions. Tonight she started asking about Father Christmas. My wife calmly took her to another room to answer, leaving me with her younger siblings. We couldn’t hear so I still don’t know what’s up. Hope Santa is OK
Anyone know the second rule of fight club?
*pets a duck* helo litle friemd u used to b a dinosuar
my kid can’t remember where her shoes are but remembers that 13 months ago i said maybe i would take her to see micky mouse for her fifth birthday which is of course in two weeks and of course we are not going
Twitter needs an aquarium for all the catfish that I net.
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
A lot of people say “we need to” when they mean “you need to”. We need to stop that.
Professor: most of you won’t pass this course
Me: cool so you’re like, Real shitty at your job
I just want to be as strong as the bond between two five gallon buckets
my red blood cells watching me pick open a scab that they spent hours making
Cover letter? Here’s my resume twice.
How much mint do I have to muddle into this mojito for it to count as a serving of vegetables?
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]
Me: It was just time for a change.
ADULT: I’ll have a $2 juice.
BARTENDER: For $13 more we’ll add 1.5 ounces of something that makes it taste bad.
A: Oo, yes I’ll take that.