Are all the non essential oils out of work now?
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*at store*
Random guy: Do you have the time?
Me: 6:30.
Random guy: Thanks. I lost my watch and I have no idea where I put the dang —
Me: Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. We’re done here.
Is a rivalry between 2 vegetarians still called Beef?
<job interview>
It says here on your resume that you are a “self-proclaimed man of few words.” Would you like to elaborate on that?Me: no
Brought home almond milk from the grocery store
My bf: You know, if you like nut milk you could….
Me: No
I’m not here for the attention. I’m just looking for victims for my next batch of ‘meat’ pies.
Reporter: What can you tell us about the asteroid you recently discovered?
Astronomer: No, comet.
Got my inhaler mixed up with my psychedelic frog and went on one hell of a wheezy ride.
*accidentally points showerhead in wrong direction*
OH NO! MY SHOWER TRISCUITS!
[Walks in on girlfriend on death bed]
ME: [Crying] this can’t be happening
GRIM REAPER: Dude, I can explain. She totally came on to me
I’m sorry I joined the zoom with my flames of hell background
meeting the person who is training you at a new job is exactly like when a baby duck imprints on its mother. following them around clueless as shit. someone else will be like hey can you send this email and it’s like no i’m not sure i can. i’ve never done that without jeremy
Can anyone explain what’s happening in front of my house none of these belong to me
Half way through the movie, I brought some popcorn downstairs for the kids & realized I rented the wrong Black Stallion DVD.
*3 running a brush through my hair*
3: I’m making your hair pretty
Me: Thank you
3: instead of so ugly
Me:
I hate when people say “I’d give up my first born child for that.”
If you really want to entice me, offer to raise one of mine.
I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.
It’s important to set an alarm the first day of school, so you remember to pick up the kids
My favorite sound in the world is my kids laughter.
A close second is when their breathing changes indicating they’ve fallen asleep thus giving me permission to stare at my phone peacefully
I get so crabby when strangers waste my time which is unfair to them because I waste almost all of my own time to begin with.
Mix it up a little. Text a random phone number the following msg:
“The fat one won’t fit into the woodchipper. What do you want me to do?”
NEWS ANCHOR: Here’s Gary with day 1 of his outdoor summer weather report.
GARY: [frying an egg on the sidewalk]
I quit. Back to you, John.
Just ate at a Japanese restaurant and the entire staff was Hispanic. I don’t know what is real anymore!
pretty messed up how “what are you weaknesses” is an acceptable question in job interviews but not on first dates
The more we travel into the mountains the more little critters I see. A rabbit will run across the road, then a squirrel, then a crab. What?
“I’m still a virgin”
-theres plenty of fish in the sea
“Ur right. I’ll find someone”
-no, I mean u should give up & be a lonely fisherman
I just got a call from my gym asking me if I want to upgrade to two visits per year.
“Couples don’t have enough things to disagree about.”
– Guy about to invent crunchy peanut butter.
[leaving 5 minute voicemail] …and you can reach me at [deep breath] *says phone number as fast as possible, slurring the numbers together*
We need a “your body is changing” talk for people turning 40.