Our wedding pic looks like my wife’s selfie photo bombed by me.
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Thinking about the time I invited a date over for a BBQ & asked him to pass me the hot dog knife so I could pry hot dogs out of the package. He stopped & said “Hot dog knife?” At which point, I realized other people did not have designated hot dog knives. There was no 2nd date.
An enterprising neighborhood kid started a business to fill in all those grownup coloring books for us. I feel more relaxed already.
@PawAndPups @SussexDetective Lol reminds me of this 👇🏾
Why are we all Facebook friends with an English teacher we had in high school
[having daughter’s new boyfriend (who I think is a caveman) over for dinner]
so dave, how is work? *lights candle and watches his reaction*
I dated a guy who always kneeled and prayed before sex. I still don’t know if he was scared of what I’d do or thankful. Either way, amen.
I don’t understand why everyone hates the rich. Without them who would….
*checks notes*
…trash the economy repeatedly with no consequences?
Dolly Parton not making lollipops in the shape of her head and calling them Dollipops is unfortunate.
Dads will leave 3 Frosted Flakes in the box and tell you it’s enough for a bowl
I got you a new pair of cement shoes!
Go ahead, try em on real quick…
Our elf hasn’t moved in 4 nights. Daughter asked if he was in a coma
3: *looking up at the lights* what’s that mummy?
me: they’re lights
3: no I mean the spirits in front of them
me:
me:
me:
3: what’s for dinner
The secret to effective prayer is asking for things that would have happened anyway.
[red carpet during zombie apocalypse]
“Who are you eating?”
Hilarious if literal: arms race
When your man makes a valid point
N = Someone
O = Doesn’t
P = Understand
E = Acronyms
When 9 pisses off 7 then 7 flips him off with his ring finger. Then I laugh, 9 gets upset and I really shouldn’t be a parent.
I had a big wedding and I’ve birthed three children so there are a lot of fond memories. The two I cherish most are the day I got my iPhone and the day the new liquor store opened up on the corner.
Me: Someone finally made a documentary about clocks
Friend: Please don’t, please
Me: It’s about time
Ex-Friend: I’ve had it
Captain America: ok Avengers, we can defeat Ultron if we work as a team. Remember, no man is an island
Island Man: oh come on not this again
My wife and I are 3 weeks in on researching and discussing air fryers and if it is worth losing the counter space. Middle age Christmases are wild.
Sorry your team lost. Maybe you should’ve told the players what to do more loudly from your recliner.
How to Be a Librarian:
1. studySHHHHH
2. but iSHHHHH
3. eSHHHHHH
4.SHHHHH
SHHHHH
turkey? Nope. I haven’t seen a turkey
Tonight I realized when I’m on video calls I bite my bottom lip like I’m trying to awkwardly seduce everyone on the call. Why am I like this
If Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson returned to wrestling to fight Sammy ‘The Scissors’ Nelson would it appear on paper view?
“How about if I put a balloon over it? Would you touch it then?”
-guy who invented condoms
most people don’t know this, but IKEA is a long con, funded by marriage counselors and divorce lawyers
One of my kids hates the smell of melted cheese, so naturally my other kid is going through a nachos only phase.