Mermaids are a lot less sexy when their top half’s the fish part.
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You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?
[real estate agent giving a tour of my brain]
And here we have yet another breakfast niche
Tartar, the sauce so nice they named it twice.
What is Iron Man without his suit?
Stark naked.
The soft snowflakes swirling in the night sky remind me of the time mom had too much gin and threw a roast duck at dad for taking her youth.
The stock market may be down but with all the parents needing to stay home with their kids for the foreseeable future I am heavily investing in vodka futures.
Guy: you’ve been a bad girl.
Girl: yes baby, punish me.
Guy: OK. *burns all her shoes*.
My whole life just flashed before my eyes and there was way too much cauliflower.
At what age does Ryan Gosling have to change his name to Ryan Goose
*wants space*
*eats Milky Way*
Duolingo is the only app I have where I can safely avoid Succession spoilers
How I begin all my work emails: I hope you’re doing okay during this very difficult time of being away from me.
2021 is the perfect year to test out my new response to any awkward family Thanksgiving topics: “I don’t wanna talk about ______, I wanna talk about Taylor Swift..”
Hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil.
I can accomplish this if I avoid my mother.
Kids threaten us with things like, “I’ll just go to my room forever,” and then we let them think we don’t like it
God: got bears?
Noah: Yup
God: got birds?
Noah: Ya
God: Unicorns?
Noah: Um… the bears ate them
God: WHAT
Noah: IT’S A LOGISTICAL NIGHTMARE
You’re not USELESS…
I’m just saying that 300 years ago YOU would’ve been the one to test which mushrooms the village could & couldn’t eat
(trying to explain what adulthood is like to a kid) you know in sims when you put a guy in the pool and then you take all the ladders out.
Me: This is the year I’m going to save money.
Also me: *googles, “how to purchase a baby elephant?”*
If you fall asleep after midnight, it’s already the next day- so you really shouldn’t have to go to work until the day after. What I’m trying to say is: I got fired today.
You know a guy is a creep if he shelves American Psycho with “how-to books.”
Me, excited because I don’t have to make school lunches for the next three months.
*Summer camps have entered the chat.*
Interviewer: what qualifies you as a horticulturist?
Me: I have something growing on everything in my fridge.
NOT all policemen are strippers.
Every time a magician graduates from his school and throws his hat in the air at the convocation, PETA sues him for cruelty to rabbits.
Who called it a goose wearing a suit and not a propaganda
what field of science explains how strawberries know that they’ve been purchased and it’s time to go bad in the next 15 minutes
Nothing moves faster than a dog who hears you looking at a bag of chips
Nurse: strip down to your underpants
Me: ok *removes pants to reveal second pair of pants*