Not everyone was Kung foo fighting
I was just trying to get out of my sports bra
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Kurt Cobain: come as you are, as you were, as I want you to be
Me: in a duck costume
Kurt Cobain: not like that
[romantic walk]
Me: *turns to date* darling
Her: *gasps*
Me: *gets down on one knee* will you
Her: omg
Me: protest racial inequality with me
Me: I’m really proud of you for keeping your hands to yourself today. What would you like to do as a reward?
2: Hit my brother
“You’re acting weird.”
First of all, I’m not acting
That awkward moment you tell someone they need to take their Halloween profile picture down and they never put one up.
Date: I like to take things slow
Me: *puts stolen turtle on table* Hey, so do I
New relationship be like, “what you doing?” ….”just drinking water”…”ok darling plz be careful”
Him: Why are you so obsessive? Why can’t you just let things go?
Me: *sighs and puts my 24 page essay on why toast is terrible back into my briefcase*
My favorite actual friendly mom competition is when we all stand around comparing how our children have creatively destroyed our furniture, carpets, walls and homes
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
Dating tip: don’t mention your time as a Boy Scout, let your sash full of badges do the talkin.
There are 7 members of Maroon 5 and now I can’t trust anything anymore
Ok. Seriously, stop feeding the gulls.
I like to piss my husband off by using the switch right beside me rather than screaming at devices all over the house in codes I can’t a remember and a voice they don’t listen to, recognize, or understand just to turn one goddamn living room lamp on.
If we can land on Mars then we can figure out how to get someone else to go to the bathroom for me I’m not discussing this further
First date:
And if you could slide over a little bit my Mom would like to sit next to you…
I just hid a big bag of Easter peanut butter cups in the back of the freezer. In July I’ll find them and be very pleased then convinced I have dementia.
You (drinking coffee): Drugs are bad
Me (smugly injecting heroin): Actually, coffee is a drug
Mom 1: My son loves gluten free chips.
Mom 2: Asher eats everything organic.
Me: My son had a chocolate donut and a booger for breakfast.
* on my death bed
Me: One thing I want you to do for me…
Wife: Name it?
Me: I want you to marry Larry.
Wife: (pause)You sure? I thought you hated Larry?
Me: I do.
All I’m asking is, has anybody heard from Captain Planet since David Attenborough arrived on the scene?
Spoiler alert: The fairytale ends with the prince at work, 3 whiney kids, and you are cinderella AND the wicked witch.
we’ve all been home together for a solid week now and my 6-year-old has expressed daily outrage about how the wh- in “whole” is different than in “when” and “why” and now i’m mad about it too
Doug is just Canadian for dog
PSYCHOLOGIST: [holding up inkblot] wat do u see
ME: a outdated discredited method with no scientific backing
PSYCHOLOGIST: [starts sweating]
I’m fine, doctor. My heart rate was elevated because I was thinking about tacos
My greatest accomplishment as a parent has been convincing my kids that Chuck E Cheese closes for “flu season.”
Me after watching a horror movie! 🤣🤣
My mind is always on fast forward while my body’s in slow motion. I’m just like that channel where the sound is out-of-sync w/ the picture.
We’ve run out of coffee so my girlfriend pressured me into knocking next door. So I knocked and awkwardly asked them to go to the shops.