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Let’s put the delete button next to the most important, most used button on this app, lol
~App developers probably
I’ve said it before. If Clifford was a Big Red Cat, everyone would be dead.
Really not sure what’s all the fuss about the Queen’s #Nazi salute, everyone knows ‘Scissors Beat Paper’
I want to be cremated so that I will get a smoking hot body again
Interviewer: Can you stand for long periods of time?
Me [from my wheelchair]: What do you think?
“Be sure to unroll dads sleeves and check for food before you put them in the washer”
-my wife
If another mom leaves her kids with her husband to meet you out somewhere and you bring your toddler, that is considered an act of war.
Me: What would you do to a Klondike bar?
Wife: To or for?
Me: Just one
I’m on a roof fixing gutters. If I was on roofies, I’d be in a gutter. HAHAHAH I’M SO FUNNY!
All my mom’s plants die from being overwatered and that’s all you need to know about my childhood and why I’m like this.
Me to me: I will spend this day in isolation doing productive things I’ve always wanted to get done
Me, six hours later, finally glancing up from my phone: pardon
I started an argument in a Yahoo! chat room back in 1999 that is still going on.
every cat falls into one of the following categories:
• looks like it knows how to use a sword but refuses to teach you
• looks like it just finished eating an éclair
Murderer: [stabs me]
Me: [does a kart wheel at the exact right moment resulting in the appendectomy I need but can’t afford bc I live in the US]
Interviewer: where do ya see yourself in 5yrs
Me: going through a Denny’s trash bin
I: but you might get this job
M: haha that’s… irrelevant
*stranded on island*
*puts message in bottle and throws it into sea*
*years later gets message back*
what’s updog?
*fist pump*
We had a detangler brush when I was younger, it was called scissors.
I want my leggings so high waisted I can pull them up over my head and wear them as a hood
[news anchor]
“New study shows that sex can lower blood pressure.”
Me: Did-
Wife: Your blood pressure is fine
I always sharpen my guest bed of nails before my mother-in-law comes to visit.
Of all my body parts that could be throbbing, why is it always my sinuses
“Alas, I am surrounded. You must fight on, gentlemen, I fear that it is too late for me. Now come and get me you savages, we shall travel to Hell together!”
Waiter: And what would you like sir?
Me: I’d like the entire restaurant to stop gasping every time I say something.
Entire restaurant: *gasps*
“I’m not a big horse person”
– a lying centaur
[spreading rumors]
me: R
O
R
U M
S
if I’m wearing a suit you better be dead or getting married
Screaming “YOU CANT OUTRUN THIS WE ARE ALL DOOMED!” at passing joggers from my window today
When you’re Godzilla every city is a walkable city
Ring = she’s married
Nose ring = she’s married to a bull
I just figured out the name of a song that had been stuck in my head for a month, and it felt like dislodging a popcorn kernel the size of a ping pong ball from my teeth.