[first date]
HER: I just love a man who’s not afraid to be honest.
ME: *trying to impress* You sound really stupid right now.
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The art of conversation, otherwise known as two or more people each awaiting their chance to interrupt.
You can have glossy lips or you can have a cat. You can’t have both.
Oh really, we have nothing in common? Then how do you explain neither of us being able to stand me
Cop: “Any idea why I pulled you over?”
Me: “you’ve got a fat guy fetish?”
Cop: …
my teen would like you to know I have allowed storms to disrupt our wifi when she had things to do
[lifts $1000 apple watch to my face]
Wrist computer: show me where hot dogs are.
OPTICIAN: Do you wear contacts?
ME: *showing my cell phone* No, I keep them on here.
Who called it Soylent Green and not Humanwich?
If by yoga you mean reaching the outlet to plug in my charger without getting out of bed, then yes, I do yoga
I held a baby today. I was scared it would make me want a baby, but it just made me want to be a baby.
2011: The world’s gonna end next year…like probably….bc of something w the Mayans
People: *freaking out*
2019: There is SCIENTIFIC PROOF that Global Warming is rapidly destroying life as we know it, and we need change, fast.
People: lol ok
crazy how my parents yelled at me as a child to “prepare me for the real world” when the only person who consistently yells at me is my cat
Bear boss: I need to see you two in my office right away.
*I see my coworker is nervous*
Me: Relax, how bad can it be.
Salmon: Shut. Up.
Call your doctor if there are more than 4 wolves inside of you.
Everybody’s gangsta until they drop their phone face down on the ground.
You know how when everyone is clapping along to the song and you join in and it’s fun at first but after a while you’re like oh shit do I have to keep this up for the whole song? That’s what life is like.
my wife: [hand on coffin] I just miss you so much
me: let me out then
If I were British I would carry around a monicle and drop it whenever I was horrified
At soccer today my 5 yo realized one teammate was actually his friend from school. It’s been a month. This is everything you need to know about his attention to detail.
[noticing that the girl i’m talking to at the bar is wearing a ring] I see you’ve won a super bowl
Dear Mario,
I wasted my childhood trying to save your girlfriend 🙂
I haven’t cried since 1997, when I saw the movie Armageddon and realised Ben Affleck was going to be a big movie star.
If you turn the ceiling fan on high enough, you don’t have to sweep.
The greatest trick The Devil ever pulled was NOT letting his friends and family know he was good with computers.
Priest: “We are gathered here today to mourn the passing of-
*looks at the casket suspiciously*
Erwin Schrödinger.”
me: *coughs up mucus* JESUS
wife: quit blasphlegming
My kids made a mixture of snow, corn chex, chocolate chips, and apple slices on the kitchen floor so now I need a new house
Me: I really can’t stay
Him: Baby it’s cold outside
Me: I’ve got to go away
Him: Baby it’s cold outside
Me: Just let me go!
Manager of Hotel California *walks over* is there a problem?
My Christmas letter this year includes a bonus DVD of my colonoscopy.
They say “Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire” but what happens if you tell a lie with no pants on?