ME: I got us a penguin!
WIFE: Why would you think I’d want a penguin??
PENGUIN: Maybe not everything is about what you want.
ME: *Points at penguin* That. Yes.
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When people’s driving tweets end mid sentence, did the paramedics find their phone and hit send?
Air Canada says 20,000 mobile app users have been affected by a data breach. On the upside, the hackers might know where your lost luggage is.
Winner of unnecessarily terrifying headline of the year announced:
Do people who eat sushi and sashimi know that fire was discovered?
Killer with knife to my throat: it’s ironic how you’re about to die in your living room.
Me: actually, that’s not really what ironic means.
Sorry I flinched when you told me you loved me. I’ve been practicing my poker face. Can we try again?
Me: it hit me completely out of the grey
Friend: *narrows eyes* you mean blue?
Me [secretly a dog in a trenchcoat]: …yes
Does anyone want a free microwave? Contact me. We can talk about how we both want a free microwave
7AM, Sunday: Just dropped the dog off at little league practice, walked the goldfish and flushed 8 down the toilet. I’ll get a new one so my kid doesn’t notice.
*takes sip of coffee* ..wait
I went on a first date with a man who spent the better part of the first hour ruminating about his recent ex
And yes I let him pay for my glass of wine and appetizer because a therapist would have charged double
8: When I’m a grown up, I’m going to stay up all night
Me: I’m a grown up and I don’t stay up all night
8: Well I’m going to be a grown up with a lot of energy not a sleepy one like you
If I reject your call the first two times, ring me again. I’m really just testing your resolve.
Never share breakfast with a duck‼️
*Eating my third bowl of ice cream*
I really thought this Keto diet would be harder.
Listen. You’ve been saying this for the last eight and a half months. I still don’t know what you’re “expecting”
RIVERS WILL RUN RED WITH THE BLOOD OF MY ENEMIES & ALL WHO PLOTTED AGAINST ME WILL KNOW A FEAR-oh never mind my keys were in my other pocket
movies be like: here is a scientist – she is world renowned, she teaches at MIT, she is 24, she is stupid hot.
“if I am joking you would be laughing, do you look like you are laughing? “
News: There are aliens in Miami
Internet: meh
News: Okay well how about More Epstein clients?
Internet: *yawns*
News: Jews in a tunnel?
Internet: 🤯 OMG yes! Now you have my attention
Wishing everyone who’s visiting their parents for Christmas a very water tastes wrong.
9 Year Old: Where do babies come from?
Me: (pause) Europe.
I could NOT have put it better myself.
Summer is the perfect time to collect shells on the beach. The 20 gauge ones are especially pretty, although you can’t beat a good 45 mm.
She puts the hot in psychotic
SEANCE MEDIUM: The Ouija Board just keeps spelling out racist epithets and casserole recipes, over and over again?!
ME: Grandma?
Wife: OMG this checker is so slow at the grocery store
Me doing the self-checkout: I can hear you
I SCREAM,
YOU SCREAM,
WE ALL SCREAM,
BECAUSE GRANDPA FORGOT TO
WEAR HIS HEARING AIDS AGAIN!
me: is there a doctor on this plane?????
doctor: i’m a doctor
me: my mom wants us to meet
I can’t believe someone broke into my garage and stole my limbo stick. Like, seriously, how low can you go?
I only had 3 goals in Monopoly as a kid:
Dog game piece
Boardwalk and Park Place.
Steal your money when you go to the bathroom.