oh you’re playing music at the beach?? you think your taste in music is superior to poseidon’s 24/7 ambient mixtape???
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I don’t care what color or creed you are. Or what your religion is. Do not eat my work sandwich.
I’ve got roughly 12 hours left of summer vacation, and I’m really starting to think that my friends & I aren’t going to stumble across an alien creature stranded in the woods, or discover a secret map providing clues to buried pirate treasure. And that’s just sad.
Accountant: ok gross income looks good, what about any losses?
Willy Wonka: Just those 4 kids lmao
Accountant: what
Willy Wonka: what
As a kid I was forced to deal with the feelings when my dad went to the store for cigarettes and came back every time.
When asked what deceased historical figure I’d like resurrected to be my dinner companion, I always answer Einstein.
When told it’s an uninspired, clichéd choice, I clarify Milena Einstein.
My college girlfriend texted me for the first time in 10 years this weekend and I’m 1 million percent sure this is Adele’s fault
cause of death:
autopsy.
“I shaved for this shit?” – All of us at one point in our lives.
Im not saying your cat doesnt care about you…
Im saying that if
Lassie was a cat,
Timmy would still be in that well…
At my funeral I want the picture of me next to the coffin to have eyeholes cut out with someone behind it glaring at people coming in.
My friends are like “hey come camping with us this weekend” & I’m like “I can’t, I have to get new friends”
People ask me, “Matt, how do you do it?” , “Matt, what’s your secret?” , “Matt, why do you make up imaginary interview questions?”
I like to creep around my home and act like a goblin
Eternal damnation for the sorry acquaintance who cons you into watching his favorite film and keeps looking to see if you’re reacting.
Iron: you’re always trying to turn me into something I’m not!
Blacksmith:
Mom taught us that “shut up” was the worst thing you could ever say to someone. But I had bigger dreams.
There’s no crisis in life that frying a potato can’t solve
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
Why did they call them armadillos and not hardvarks.
waiter: “have we decided yet sir?”
me: [after practicing saying gnocchi to myself for 15 minutes] “the margarita pizza please”
*Sees someone tying a yellow ribbon around a tree*
Me: Oh dang, Groot knows karate
Me: I’m feeling really confident right now.
Universe: Humble her.
My 11 y/o daughter just casually told me she wants to start a company where people can order bacon, ham and sausage delivered to their house and call it “Hamazon.” This is why the world has billionaires.
911: what is your emergency?
Me: HE READ BUT DIDN’T REPLY
4 out of 5 dead husbands agree that last casserole tasted really strange.
Cop: did you even see what that sign said?
Me: oh, no I don’t know sign language…
The invention of locks was a key turning point in history.
Did 300 squats yesterday. Walking funny today. Embarrassed about being out of shape so I’m telling everyone that I had buttsex last night.
ME: *getting daily intelligence briefing*
ADVISOR: *shakes head* you still don’t have any