Top 5 oxymorons:
1. Jumbo shrimp
2. Civil war
3. Virtual reality
4. Great outdoors
5. Family vacation
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The woman who sits next to me at work just told someone she’s surrounded by idiots. I feel bad for her.
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Doorbell repairman…… the end.
There’s always that creepy couple inviting people to come over and sit in their hot tub…by the way, what are you doing tonight?
next time i open up to someone is during surgery
I just wanna be rich enough to not have to run onstage after concerts to get my bra back
When you’re British and you need to deliver the sickest burn possible
the youtube algorithm is good because you’ll watch a video about hamburgers and for 6 weeks you’ll get recommended videos like Why Hamburgers Ain’t Liberal and Ted Cruz Destroys Libtard Eating Hamburger and Joe Rogan Describes Hamburgers On Astral Plane
“Is that a banana in ur pocket or are u just happy to see me haha”
[i pull a hand full of lasagna out of my pocket] “Actually it’s lasagna”
These aren’t even hard anymore.
Tech support: What seems to be the problem?
Me: The child unit keeps asking me “Why?” over and over and over. I’m going crazy. Please help!
TS: That is a known glitch. The only fix is an update, which won’t be available for at least another year.
I like my eggs like I like my nose: runny. Wait. That’s not right. I like my eggs like I like my tigers: poached. Huh? No! I like my eggs li
hot girl doing pouty lips: wow she is so sexy
me doing pouty lips: are…are you going to puke, you have to tell me if you’re going to puke
Doctor: How in the world did you manage to swallow this?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
I started carrying a knife after an attempted mugging a few years ago.
Since then, my mugging attempts have been a lot more successful.
I would not advise turning your frown upside down. The surgery is extremely painful and not covered by most insurance.
summer: wait its midnight alredy?? the sun hasn’t even set yet!! lol
winter: HOW. HOW IS IT NOT EVEN 8PM. THE SUN SET LIKE 5 DAYS AGO
Friend: Have you ever had an epiphany?
Me: Is it a little chocolate candy?
Friend: No.
Me: Then, no.
Kids playing baseball in the backyard really hits home. Usually on a window.
After so much bullshit the past few years this upcoming colonoscopy somehow feels political
My card chip wasn’t reading properly at the gas station so the guy told me to let him “try and slide it in” and all I could do was laugh like I was 12
philosophical skeletons be like
Comment on your friend’s vacation group photos and ask which kid is their favorite. Then suggest which child you believe should be the favorite.
I just read more people are killed by toasters than sharks. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster SWIM FOR YOUR LIFE!
GERG: She licked ur donut?
JERY: Shes a DONUT LICKER!
GERG: gross!
JERY: she also said she “hates america”
GERG: Donut licking traitor!
My favorite drinks are coffee, whisky & ranch dressing.
Will Smith isn’t special. I’m not invited to the Oscars for the next ten years either.
The awkward moment when you say, “I love you,” then the pizza delivery guy says, “That’ll be $12.46, please.”
Area 8-Year-Old Formally Rescinds Hunger Complaint Following Mother’s Insulting Banana Offer
Haunted Houses should be open year round. Some of us want to get chased with a chainsaw in January.
I won’t say I neglect my appearance but I will say I just shaved my legs at my desk after wearing a skirt to work.