*Job interview
Him: Any special achievements?
Me: Yeah, my tweet got published on BuzzFeed
H: Alright, you’re hired
M: Really?
H: No.
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This salad isn’t going to toss itself. *winks*
– Things you shouldn’t say as you pass food around the Thanksgiving table 🙁
Sometimes I’m just so exhausted I have to go to bed and scroll my phone for the next 2-3 hours
Wife: So what are you going to do in retirement?
Me: My dream is to have my own taco truck.
Wife: You want to run a business?
Me: Business?
Two Jehovah Witnesses walk into a bar. LOL JK. They knocked.
i get in my bubble bath with clenched fists to make me look more manly
sloth [finally arriving at his prison cell]
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
What one thing may cause you to snap so that you could see yourself committing murder?
<At same time>
Husband: If anyone hurt my chil-Me: Being forced to listen to jazz music — I mean, children. I’m going with the children thing.
I often worry about the safety of my children … Especially the one who is still awake at midnight and talking back right now.
Ik the point of all cult documentaries is anyone can fall into a cult but I rly don’t see it happening for me just bc I’m sooo lazy and the odds of me signing up for an empowerment or healing workshop are below zero like I hate having stuff to do
Any zoo can be a petting zoo if you’re really good at climbing fences.
[God making peaches]
ANGEL: we already have nectarines
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, put hair on them
ANGEL: what
GOD: what
I’m like Pooh bear. I just want to eat, hang with my homies, and go around pantsless
Led Zeppelin: And she’s buying a stairway to Heaven…when she gets-
My wife: HOLD ON I HAVE A COUPON
if you get famous on youtube you get ad money. if you get famous on twitch you get donations. if you get famous on instagram you get sponsors. if you get famous on twitter you get your tweets crossposted to every other social media with your @ cropped out
My son asked me where babies come from. He so silly, babies are too young to come.
me: my horse won’t eat
vet: ok there are several-
me: I think he’s a haytheist
vet:
me:
vet: you don’t even have a horse do you
Apparently, “lead the way” is not the best response to your neighbour’s “may you burn in the eternal flames of hellfire” after his 17th wind chimes go missing under mysterious circumstances.
Fact: it is impossible to hold a machete in a friendly manner.
Ian: “He ran out of the restaurant, got in the car and drove off fast.”
Cop: ‘Did you see his plate?”
Ian: “Yeah. He was eating tacos.”
[picks up scalp massager]
Me: what’s this thing called
Store Clerk: that’s a head scratcher
Me: well take a guess my man
[after I cut a bagel] would you like the side that is somehow three times larger than the original bagel or the side that is the first object ever to have only two dimensions
[labels account “18+”]
[tweets exclusively about voting & buying cigarettes legally]
date: i like the strong silent type
me: [quietly trying to lift the table over my head]
happy friday
Me: You know, talking to yourself doesn’t make you crazy.
Me: I know, right?
Me: It’s a sign of advanced intelligence.
Me: High-5.
Me: Word.
I don’t actually need a house cleaner, I just need the threat of a house cleaner coming over as motivation
ME: *lying on deathbed*
DEATH: get off my bed
You can’t break me, kid. My generation survived dial-up AOL and texting on a flip phone.
The fact that jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not have brains is great news for stupid people.