I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.
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Ladies. Even the most mundane chore is better in a Princess Leia costume.
[slice of bread going in and out of the toaster] omg, i’m gonna crumb!
“Sir how should we sell scissors?”
SADISTIC CEO: Put them in tough plastic that..get this*cries with laughter* u have to open with scissors
Give a man a fish. Sure, why not? Go around giving strangers weird fish gifts. Who cares
Boss: Ur fired
Me: Why?
[his phone rings & I instinctively drop-kick it out a window]
B: That
Me: My powers?
B: Call it what u want, but yes
No one is more optimistic than a woman who straightens her hair in 90% humidity
Greg: “You’ve put Christmas decorations up?”
Ian: “I know it’s only November but-”
Greg: “We work in a morgue, Ian. A morgue.”
I recently took a pole
And found that 100% of the people in the tent were angry when it collapsed
“Pasta la veista, baby”
-Arnold Schwarzenoodles
[1st Day working at Hotel California]
Guest: Id like 2 check out
Me: Sure! Youre all set!
G: Thanks! [Leaves]
Boss: Can I see u in my office
How to find Kentucky on a map
Arranged to pick something up on facebay. On way there they text to say they’d sold to someone else. Stalked their profile until they posted they were in search of something. Said I had it. When they turned up, I told them I’d just sold it someone else instead.
Growing up is just going from hearing “we have food at home” to saying “we have food at home”.
I remember when it was called “drinking a glass of water” instead of “hydrating.”
I don’t think the comings and goings of Cotton eyed Joe warrant a whole song.
[trying to explain blenders to medieval peasants without them thinking I’m a witch]
Imagine a knife tornado that made it so you can drink fruit.
Over the last few months I’ve collected enough wine corks to raise the Titanic
gooooob morning. i’m being told. someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would’ve lost my mind
*filling out preschool form*
1st child: She knows all of the letters and numbers.
2nd child: He knows all of the colors.
3rd child: She knows all of the swear words.
I don’t think some women realize just how handsome my mom says I am.
any last words?
Let’s be honest Jurassic Park is about capitalistic hubris not science gone wrong. The science went gloriously right
i remember as a kid being like “Wow as an adult i’ll be able to buy as much candy as i want whenever i want” which turned out to be completely true and as amazing as i imagined
i put my exercise bike together, no spare parts, i am absolutely drunk on testosterone, i’ll never need another map.
Him: do you know an easy way to draw three flying birds?
Me: mmm
Him: thanks
If you spend “up to $9000” on my funeral it better be on some kind of mechanism that makes me sit up in the casket when people walk by.
Everyone makes mistakes. Please make yours far from me.
I jump out in front of you and open my trenchcoat, but I’m fully clothed. I start showing you the kittens I keep in the pockets. Are they wearing their own tiny raincoats? Heck yeah they are
One cool thing about being 33 is that people who are 50 think you might as well be 22 and people who are 22 think you might as well be 50
I was overcharged by a plumber!
So, I’ve been secretly training a gorilla to roll barrels at people.
Tomorrow, we’re kidnapping his girl.