The fun thing about Airbnb’s is that you get to clean someone else’s house on your vacation
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[trying to eat a pretzel]
the knot wizard hath defeated me again
I wonder what song The Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make that cute bikini top
“Is it better to be feared, or to be loved?” Cats chose both, and they’re doing fine
One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
heavy rain in Los Angeles is a great way to find out that every roof in the city has apparently been purely decorative this entire time
I always set two wake up alarms, one for the person I want to be and one for the person I am
Jesus: *rises after three days*
God: (while reading newspaper) well look who decided to join us
[first day as a spelling bee judge]
Me: your word is Sarcasm
Him: can you use it in a sentence please?
Me: no, I’m a spelling bee judge but can’t use a word in a sentence
I knew my wife was having a bad day when she put her tampon behind her ear and couldn’t find her cigarette.
My family is getting a crash course in watching me perform musicals all day, which is not something they knew I did, and my 10 year old feels vindicated because she always SENSED that I was deeply embarrassing, but didn’t know why until now.
When I run into an old friend, and I have no idea what they’ve been up to, I just say, “I love your podcast.” Haven’t been wrong yet.
Me: Mom, can I die from eating pancakes
Mom: let’s not talk like that
Me: sorry, can I please die from eating pancakes
I’m a Lit major. I did my thesis on why my car is in the front yard and I’m sleeping with my clothes on.
I’m just a lawyer, standing in front of a Judge, trying to make him understand that stopping for coffee was a necessity and I should not be held in contempt for being late.
[at the altar]
*leans in for a kiss*Priest: the bride, sir
GUY: are u doing the mannequin challenge?
ME: [standing perfectly still w/ awkward facial expression] no this is just how I am around people
Hey, have you two seen my Vodka? I left it right here?
I have been lowering the tone for so long now that I am effectively operating solely in infrasound frequencies which can only be heard by whales.
And they are appalled.
I secretly hope that twitter keeps extending the character limit as a social experiment, slowly conditioning our attention spans until we’re able to read actual books again
I’m not a stupid person. I have a college degree. But I’ll never understand how a fan can collect so much dust when it’s constantly moving.
[During quarantine]
Kidnapper: 25,000 by this Sunday if you want to see your kids again.
Me: how about 40,000 and you keep them til next weekend?
Friend: can I borrow £20?
Me: No.
*slides me £20
Friend: How about now?
My mom asked why I work out so much. I told her it’s to look good for nude laser tag season.
I’m thinking she’s never asking that again.
Autocorrect is changing correctly spelled words. I’m starting to think it has a mind of its AUTOCORRECT IS HARMLESS. GO ABOUT YOUR BUSINESS.
coworker: I heard the cafeteria is serving sundaes today
me stickier than usual: can confirm
4: *tells me a loooong rambling story about school*
Me: *asks her ONE follow up question*
4: don’t want to talk about it anymore
5: wow, you look so pretty
Me: thank yo—
5: with your sunglasses on
Me: am I pretty without them?
*UNCOMFORTABLY LONG PAUSE*
5: sure
*puts powdered sugar around my nostrils and walks into blind date set up by my mom*