STICK BUG WIFE: We can’t seem to get pregnant
DOC: Well, we ran numerous tests…
STICK BUG WIFE: …and?
DOC: Your husband’s an actual stick
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My Onlyfans is just me drawing venn diagrams and giggling
You know a guy is a creep if he shelves American Psycho with “how-to books.”
Me: Yeah like that, baby.
Him: *caresses my back, plays with my hair*
Me: *moans*
Him: *growls* I’m gonna do so many–
Me: *snores, drools*
One of the reasons I had to retire early is because I ran out family members that died excuses for not coming in to work.
If you’re ever chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, over a little seesaw and through a hoop of fire.
They’re trained for that.
You’re in a room with a murderer and someone who makes sandwiches with the crust end of the bread and you have 1 bullet. Who do-
“Bread guy”
wife: can you check something on my phone for me
me: sure what’s your passcode
w: our anniversary
m:
w: ANNIVERSARY
m: [sweating profusely]
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
Mario Kart:
1) stays in first place for 3 laps
2) gets passed by 5 people at last second
3) slams controller
4) quits job
5) divorces wife
Baby I’m gonna rock your world but first give me an hour and a half to get these skinny jeans off
*at swingers club*
me: so how does this work? do we both go at the same time or do I push you first?
Who.
Did.
This?
I don’t want clothes that spark joy. I want clothes in which I can pause in a doorway, look over a shoulder, and utter something devastating before exiting.
I’m shoplifting items from Dollar Tree and returning them to Five Below for a profit
Dating is easy. You just *goes into fetal position*
My husband: When have I ever steered us wrong?
*Flashback to 2014*
My husband: Trust me, investing a huge chunk of our life savings in RadioShack is going to make us millionaires.
“I’ve never had a reason to see a therapist”
– People who haven’t met me yet
[first day as a surgeon]
Nurse: you can’t operate on a patient without gloves!
Me: of course. we don’t want his hands getting cold.
Calm down people who start work immediately when they get into work. Just calm down.
[Dance studio]
Instructor: tell us a little about what brings you here today
ME: *opening bag* I was told there’d be salsa
Honey, you know the part in The 6th Sense when she drops his wedding ring & you realize he’s been dead the whole time? Well I want a divorce
My new driver’s license picture doesn’t look anything like me.
*tapes a little picture of an iPhone over half my face
Now it looks like me.
Songs with lyrics like, “We don’t need sleep,” why are you rebelling against naps? What are you–four?
Yeah sex is cool, but have you ever flossed your teeth after eating corn on the cob?
Gift cards: the best way to say “Here. You figure it out.”
#Thanos #MondayMood
The good news is, it turns out there is literally nothing we can say here that will ruin our chances at a political career.
Nothing says rock bottom quite like having your head in the oven for 45 minutes before you realize you forgot to pay the gas bill
We’re just two people shitting in side by side stalls waiting for the other person to go out so we don’t have to show our face
judge: 99 yrs
me: is it cos i called ur gavel a justice hammer?
judge: no that actually helped
me: killing then
judge: yeah the killing