[MOM GROUP CHATS]
Sadie says practice is at 1.
Maddie told me 12:30.
What color socks should they wear?
I heard it was at 4.
Who is in charge of snack today?
I can’t get Addi there until 2:15.
Kimberleigh has a gluten allergy.[DAD GROUP CHATS]
Practice at 1.
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Responding to all selfies with “this should work.”
Boss: And this will be your desk. Make yourself at home
Me (pulling a rotisserie chicken from my purse & putting it on the desk): Thanks
“This isn’t my first rodeo.” He said, confidently. “Now help me get on this pointy cow.”
[First date]
Date: I’m looking for a guy who’s above average.
Me: [Trying to be above average] I’ve eaten 17 spiders this year
Couldn’t remember the word ‘ostrich’ earlier so I called it a giraffe chicken.
Normal Person: *has a bad dream, says “that was weird haha” and goes on with day*
Me: *has a bad dream, thinks of ways to make it into an unusual, horrifying plot for a novel, then get writer’s block, can’t finish it, and say “that was weird haha” and go on with my day*
A cannibal passes a Girl Scout cookie stand. “How many girl scouts are these cookies made of?” he asks with a large smile on his face.
A door was tried in court.
It was an open and shut case.
If you are flying out of DC on virgin today, check under your seat for a very large mom bra. It’s like a talk show giveaway!
[At my seance]
Friend 1: *pulling away from ouija
Shit…That’s definitely himFriend 2: How can you tell?
F1: He spelled “your” wrong.
Friend: *sees my new tattoo of dogs kissing* Whoa! Is that permanent?!
Me: Yup.
Friend: Wow. What’s it mean?
Me: It means I can’t remove it.
When my toddlers ask where mommy is, I explain that she’s gone to heaven. That way they’re super-excited when she gets back from the gym.
Bad is when you finish the dishes then see a few more things to wash. Worse is when your wife is there so you can’t say you didn’t see them.
[inventor of green tea] what if tea didn’t make you feel awake but also tasted bad
*accidentally likes a hot girl’s photo of a sandwich from 3 years ago*
I’m like a squirrel. If I’m crossing a road, and a car comes by, I never know what to do. I just go mad.
i hear the new batman movie is so long because there’s a scene where bruce wayne withdraws the entirety of his bank account but he asks for it all in ones and then counts it all while facing the camera
I’m at a second grade music recital and this is by far the most effective form of birth control I’ve ever tried.
gym bro: “dude are you using disney+ to watch rapunzel’s tangled adventure in between sets?”
me:
“I deleted that tweet because I’ve really grown as a writer in the past 7 minutes and it’s just not up to my current standards”
Wife: Don’t tweet that
Me: *thinks about it*
Wife: I’ll divorce you
Me: *thinks harder*
Wife: And give you all 4 kids
Me: *hits delete*
I refuse to have sex with a condom. Last time I had sex with a condom, the condom never called me again.
Apparently I walked 2700 steps yesterday.
Don’t you get like 2000 just for waking up?
netflix is definitely the most insecure of all the streaming services like be chill bb.
*shaking my boyfriend awake* babe. babe. what was the best thing BEFORE sliced bread.
I lie in the bath for hours.
But I try to tell the truth the rest of the time.
I used to weigh eight pounds and could only get around if others carried me, but all it took was one frosted cake a year to change all that.
Who called it intermittent fasting and not snackrificing
I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive my entire childhood.
Age 16: Made fun of my parents for going to bed at 10PM.
Age 40: Wonders how they managed to stay up so late.