My gf thinks I cook our meals cause I love her. Really, it’s cause I’m afraid she might try to poison me.
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This gonna be me in 2 weeks
You tell me to “walk a mile in your shoes” but the second I break into your house to steal your shoes, you call the cops. Make up your mind.
The nurse said take everything off except bra and panties, but all I have under my dress is a tampon string I wish I could pull to parachute right outta here
I used to think the cat was dumb for staring out the window, waiting for birds, but I’d probably stare too, if occasionally a pizza flew by.
As a parent I can honestly say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I do have one that’s definitely going to be the cause of my first heart attack
I would go to the gym during the Christmas holidays but I don’t really think that’s what Jesus would have wanted
Are you questioning my vocabulary skills, pal? Cause you are gonna get punched right in the plethora
My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.
mary: my water broke
joseph: why do I smell grapes
My neighbour’s toddler just told me I look 20 months old so that made my day.
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home. As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
Friend: If you could have dinner with anyone alive or dead, who would you choose?
Me: Definitely an alive person
Friend:
Me: Better conversation
stop calling sandwiches sammies you weirdos
There’s a new trend in China where people make and eat spiceless “white people lunch”, as form of self torture.
And their commentary has me crying 😭
I realized taking dogs for walks is basically their way of checking social media. One lap of smells is a newsfeed scroll. Peeing is posting.
[Studying for his history test]
10: I wish I was born in the 1800s
Me: Why?
10: I’d have less history to learn
Look sad dragging a kite on the ground at the park and sometimes people will let you join their picnic.
Got banned for life from rap battling for repeated use of the word dingus.
I don’t care what color they are, if you have two socks, that’s a pair of socks
A lot of Future Billionaires are currently in my mentions telling me how wrong I am about crypto (I didn’t really give an opinion either way but they’re HERE TO LET ME KNOW!). Dang boys you’re right. Gonna buy in and start hassling strangers online, this is how we get rich
Did You Know?
Humans swallow EIGHT spiders in their sleep every year! Also, I talked to the spiders, and apparently tonight’s the night.
69% of people find something dirty in every sentence.
Her: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to learn Japanese and crochet*
Me: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to perfect my cereal to milk ratio*
My date was all ‘next time come to my place and I’ll cook you some food in my air fryer’ and I was like ‘lol sure and I’ll play you some songs on my air guitar’ and then she was like ‘I need to see other people’.
Just Once i’d like to see a Shark wearing a People Tooth Necklace
Independence Day was basically aliens blew shit up and then we gave them a copy of Windows and won the war.
I found love at ninja school.
Yeah it just crept up on me and totally took me by surprise.
Her: make this delicious snack in just five easy steps
Me, opening a chip bag in one easy step: no
*Creating bees*
God: Make them highly beneficial to the ecosystem.
Angel: Sure thing, boss.
God: Give ’em the greatest knees of all time
Things I’ve Said On The Phone This Week
“Sorry. I’m heavy-breathing because I’m trying to stake a canopy”
“The shell of a turtle is basically the turtle’s rib cage. A turtle cannot be dragged out of its shell.”
“Please. Don’t ask questions. Just take some zucchini.”