One man. One tuba. A whole public library full of unsuspecting people. And no law enforcement anywhere in sight.
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Is there an app that makes the flatline noise? Bet I could freak out some nurses.
Her: I can’t eat all that.
Me: … That’s a blueberry.
Why is it, once you pick up a flyswatter, the little buggers never land
#TakeMyAdvice Don’t let Mom trim your hair.
Participating in a raid on a secret high-tech underground bunker? Be the guy who knows the access codes. The guy who knows the access codes always makes it to at least the third act.
Never eat ice cream while chatting online. Sister: why are you typing so slowly Me: well my other hands busy. She hasnt replied yet.
55% of all country music songs in the ’70s described the tightness of someone’s jeans
“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight.” — The Swiss Army
[grocery store]
dad to his crying baby: shhh stop crying
[baby keeps crying]
me: wow, your baby does not listen
First pedicure of the season…my nail technician took one look and started stretching
See you guys when I get out of prison.
My husband just complained that he’s the only one that ever does anything around the house.
Date: Uhh seriously?
Me: Oh don’t tell me you don’t sneak food into the movies too
*dips lobster in my pocket filled with melted butter*
A web shooter like Spiderman would have so many uses, like I could grab the chips without leaving the couch.
I still have a landline. Or as I like to call it, Cell Phone Finder.
Before I got an iPhone all I heard from my husband was how “intuitive” their products were. And I couldn’t help wishing they made spouses.
Hansel: What if we get lost?
Gretel: We’ll just leave a trail of breadcrumbs to follow
Duck: Good idea
Hansel:
Gretel:
Duck: I mean quack
You shouldn’t judge people. What if that bloke outside your window with a clown mask and knife is just a chef that lost his way.
To make up for all the junk I ate over the weekend, I plan to run 86 miles today.
I have a Russian friend who’s a sound technician.
And a Czech one too.
[On the way home from school pick-up]
Me: So, what did you do at school today?
9: I burned down everything that exists.
5: No you didn’t! Then why is that fence there? Why am I here?
9: I also trapped my brother in a world of make-believe.
I really only wanna grow old so I can get the senior discount at thrift stores
Why are people still calling my phone I thought we covered this at orientation…
hot take but IMO the internet was better when it was just dorks and social outcasts. after they let hot people on here everyone got all weird
My signature move at family dinners is waiting for someone to put their drink down at the table & then moving it when they go to the buffet.
I make so many mistakes typing that my autocorrect is like, “Duck this shirt.”
to a guy who shits on people’s lawns, everything looks like a lawn
I just literally fell INSIDE a public toilet because I did too many squats earlier and couldn’t control my sitting down. This is the greatest proof I’ve ever had that fitness is not worth the struggle.
[GRAND CANYON]
WIFE: Isn’t this incredible?
ME: It’s ok.
WIFE: Were you expecting a thousand canyons?
ME: I don’t want to talk about it
The ex says he’s come into some money and can finally “take care” of me. Wait…he’s gonna have me killed isn’t he?
Me: You guys wanna play house?
Them: Sure
Me, throwing the nearest kid on a gurney: We are gonna need a crash cart in here stat! WE ARE LOSING HIM! And you said you thought it was lupus.