If I were a rapper I’d write a lyric like “Get money, make cupcakes. Must be winter ‘cuz I be frosting,” and my pseudonym would be One-Zee.
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Losing weight to be attractive is weird. I see you shrunk your body slightly. Now I want you.
ps5 is how I abbreviate pspspspsps
After spending 20 minutes trying to get my girlfriends bra off, I decided to give up.
I wish I’d never put it on in the first place..
Everyone talks about Greenland and Iceland having misleading names, but I think it’s bullshit that Finland isn’t an underwater country full of fish people.
maybe bears omly like honey so much becuase their throats hurt from all the growlimg they do
My dogs: OMG MOM IS DOING STUFF!! WOOOO!! GET HER!!
Me: (just getting off the couch to go to the bathroom)
landlord put a coin-op pay box on the laundry a month into our stay so I’m looking up the manufacturer and buying a replacement key for it to steal my quarters back.
ME, my last day as a stenographer: Hey sorry everybody, but real quick, are you all saying “murberer”?
If you pencil in your eyebrows just right, coworkers will not attempt to talk to you
*Puts on angry eyebrows*
Of course I have a picture of my kids. Let me find a good one.
* frantically scrolling through 8000 pictures of my dog sleeping
If by “new money” you mean it hasn’t been printed yet, yes, that’s me.
13 asked for a haircut yesterday. after the haircut he was upset and asked why his hair was shorter. brain cells man.
A couple of our wine glasses broke, and I bought slightly smaller ones to replace them.
I don’t think my wife has ever been this mad at me before.
[trying extremely hard not to say it]
deviled egg nog
Which essential oils calm down household family members? Chloroform?
It’s chloroform isn’t it?
I just tried to start my car with my phone. You should know that my car has a keyless ignition. I’m pretty.
me: dating is hard
me on a date: the platypus doesn’t have teats so they sweat milk
Yes, of course I love French films.
Have you seen Rugrats in Paris?
You think you’ve brought your kids up right and then you find the toothpaste tube squeezed in the middle.
WOMAN: some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my screaming son in her shopping cart] thank you
satan: welcome slaves to your eternal damnation.
dad: can someone turn on the ac its as hot as hell in here.
satan:…
dad: sorry i dont want to get “fired” the first day on the job.
satan:…
dad: im going to super hell arent i.
satan: youre going to super hell.
When my phone rings, I stay very, very still. If I don’t move, it can’t see me.
“Do not touch” must be one of the most terrifying things to read in braille
[Hospital]
New mom: [happy] She’s so beautiful. And she has your nose.
New dad: [suspicious] No, she doesn’t.
New mom: I was addressing the elephant in the room.
Elephant: [just walked in with flowers] shit….
Daughter: Anyone there?
Ouija Board: S P O T
Daughter: But Spot went to live at the farm
Ouija Board: N O
ME: *tips over whole table with ouija board* go clean your room
Forgot to turn on the grill, burgers been on there for half an hour, I know cause the tv show I like’s over & nothing’s on fire.
Tinder is a food delivery app if you’re good at it.
It’s fun to chant “Bloody Mary” three times into your car’s side mirror while driving at night and watch her jog to keep up