Since it’s hunting season, we are allowed to shoot the cars with the antlers on them, right?
You Might Also Like
The cool thing about being broke is you can tell your friends you aren’t drinking for a while & they think you’re getting your shit together
“I love potatoes! They are delicious and so versatile. If only they could get me laid…”
-how vodka was born
Me: *digging a hole* Sorry, honey. Just following the social distancing orders.
Him: It’s six feet APART, not under.
Me: Just get in.
I’m on a walk with my 4 year old. There’s not another person in sight. I’ve tapped her on her far shoulder three times already and each time she’s stopped, turned around, and looked confused as hell. We’ve still got a long walk ahead–I’m going to go for the world record.
If the name of a show is just some guy’s name you know its about a killer.
E.g. Dexter, Barry, Arthur
Not to brag but I can make my son angry just by asking, “how was your day?”
Does the steam hitting me in the face when opening the dishwasher door before it’s drying cycle ends count as a spa day.
Cause I think it does.
What I like about the world of Star Trek is it’s legal for any two thrusters to be engaged.
“Eat right and exercise?!?…
I dunno…seems like some kind of a scam, Doc.”
Forrest Gump is so unrealistic. There’s no way anyone would take chocolate from a man who’s been talking to himself on a bus station bench for 3 hours.
Gun people are always like “you can pry it out of my cold dead hands”
Why are you dead in your own story, must not be a very good gun
My wife and I have started making videos of plates and bowls that we’re selling from home while snowed in.
Now is the winter of our dish content.
“It’s not what it looks like,” I say to the bunny noticing my slippers.
the worst part of the robot uprising will be the constant software updates
I lost my cool when I had to click on a heart three times before it would stick.
I’d probably make a lousy paramedic.
Husband’s at Costco and sending me pics of beef stroganoff in a pouch. That’s enough excitement for one night.
Girl seeing my torn jeans
Where’d you get those?!
*remembers trying to pee on a hill & stumbling backwards through thorn bushes*
The Gap.
Who are these people that buy unsalted butter on purpose?
4-year-old: I found a caterpillar. It’s not poisonous.
Me: How do you know?
4: I licked it.
The goldfish was a little sick so I dripped some steroids in her bowl and now everything is hunky dory.
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
One of my girlfriend’s bras made it into the dryer.
It was nice knowing you guys.
I like my coffee black just like my sabbath
* Aggressively aggresses your aggressions into aggressivity. *
“I’ll never forget you Jack”
“Can I float on that wood too, Rose?”
“I’ll always remember you”
“Seems like there’s room for–”
“Goodbye Jack”
Sometimes I think we are capable of great things as a species, but then I notice how many people can’t put their shopping cart away.
Cover letter? Here’s my resume twice.
When I see a man with long fingernails, my first thought is wizard
My second thought is virgin wizard
We’ve known each other for a while now and we both feel a deep connection. I think we’re ready to take this to the next level. Tonight I’m going to explain the metric system to you.