My husband noticed my wedding rings on the dresser and was upset about me not having a visible sign of our covenant to each other
I told him the bags under my eyes said taken loud and clear
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I’m really bad at portioning uncooked pasta…so if you and 110 of your friends wanna come over, dinner is ready.
i know a guy who loves saying “best thing since sliced bread” and i imagine hes always at a grocery store lookin at bread and just losing it
Him: Wanna go out with me tonight?
Me: Let me ask my mom
Him: Wtf?! You’re in your 40’s!
Me: She said no
me: man, this is great! I only wish I’d taken up deadlifting sooner
Funeral Home Director: please leave.
“So we kill a tree”
Ok
“And put it inside our house”
Nice
“Then we hang up some socks”
I’m with ya
“And then we drink egg milk punch”
What
It’s my son’s 4th birthday so I volunteered to help out on his class trip to Chinatown.
If you don’t hear from me again, they won.
[Facebook Marketplace]
Me: Selling this guitar amp.
Guy: I will trade you another guitar amp for it.
Me: How does this make sense in your head?
Yesterday, I learned about a crypto trading hamster that’s beating the S&P 500 and Warren Buffett. I now own 63 hamsters.
Whales go days, sometimes weeks at a time without giving anyone their opinion.
When I die, I’m donating my body to pseudoscience. I hope they’ll use it as Bigfoot bait.
Hell is where Sarah Palin is president, Taylor Swift is in love with me, and Kim Kardashian names all the children
*At the bar*
Me: What do you have on tap?
Bartender: Bud and Bud Light
Me: I’ll have a Coke.
Toy Story
Toy Story 2: Toy Fast Toy Furious
Toy Story 3: Toykyo Drift
Toy Story 4: Toy Meets World
Toy Story 5: Toynado
Toy Story 6: Lotso’s Revenge
Toys 7
Toy Story 8: Toy Yoda-thon
Toy Story 9: The Fate of the Toys
I would really love to see how Michaelangelo managed to paint that ceiling with his nunchucks.
Hold up how is Popeye strong enough to squeeze a metal can of spinach into his mouth BEFORE he’s eaten the spinach
reminiscing fondly on my College roomy Vincent who, when told by the RAs that lava lamps are fire hazard banned from the dorms, replied “guys relax it’s not real lava”
A close talker, a loud talker, and a cougher walked into an elevator to punish me for not hitting the close door button fast enough.
toddler: How do you spell “Elmo”?
me: “E”
toddler: “E” like “elephant”
me: Very good! “L”
toddler: “L” like “elephant”
me:
toddler:
me: “M”
toddler: “M” like “elephant”
me: Shit
toddler: “Shit” like “elephant”
“And the Oscar for Best Actress goes to…..Beyoncé?”
*Kanye slowly sits down*
This is your captain speaking. Those of you on the right side of the plane may have noticed 3 pyramids. This is 3 more than we were expecting to see in Barcelona. Anyway, does anyone have google maps?
Got this super hard game on my phone called Bank Of America. You only get a power up every 2 weeks? Need cheat codes
Guys will say literally anything to get laid like “you’re beautiful” or “you can have my last donut”, shit like that
Irish I was a lil bit smaller. Irish I was a leprechaun baller. Irish I had a shamrock & a hat, & endless gold coins in a big black cauldron
[1st Day after wildebeests take over]
I’m safe in my house
[Day 7]
Thought I heard clattering
[Day 21]
THEY CAN OPEN DOORS WITH THEIR HOOVES
People on the Internet always trigger my restless-fists syndrome.
Pretty sure Dora goes on crazy adventures with a monkey because her mom is on Twitter.
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
I just wanted five minutes to drink my coffee so I sent my kid in the other room to look for a toy that’s in my pocket.
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I have my binoculars ready for the upcoming solar eclipse. This is going to be amazing.
Just got nominated for an Oscar for my role as “man surprised his credit card was declined”