BREAKING: Girls go to college to get more knowledge. Boys go to Jupiter to get more stupider. Boys killed instantly by lack of oxygen.
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You see some crazy stuff when you’re out late at night smearing raccoon blood on your neighbours windows.
Nature documentarian (weeping): I know it’s against our non-interference policy, but we have to intervene and put this poor creature out of its misery. This is just cruel.
Me (holding 3rd bowl of cereal): What are you people doing in my apartment?
[nabisco hq]
“Wheat Thins sales are down we need ideas”
*raises hand*
“anyone else?”
…
…
“ok Dan, but I swear to god if u say-”
Wheat Thicks
FIANCÉ: where should we go on our honeymoon
ME (after hearing there’s a charizard hidden at mt rushmore): how do you feel about south dakota
There was no Internet when I was a kid. If you wanted to talk to a pervert, you had to go find one.
[Bethsaida 28 AD]
BAKER: Such a huge crowd…I’m gonna sell so many loaves
“Five loaves please”
BAKER: Huh?
“Jesus is here”
BAKER: Sonuva
Sorry I asked if today was laundry day. I was just trying to find a way to understand your outfit.
Favorite question to ask a prospective boyfriend for my sister:
Have you ever seen a dead body?
*casually lifts shirt to expose .357*
Dating advice: Don’t just tell her you have diarrhea, show her
Do men still open car doors?
That 👊
{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside.
me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
When you’ve simply given up.
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
[being boiled alive in a witch’s soup]
witch (smacking me with her broom): stop *smack* eating *smack* all *smack* the *smack* potatoes *smacksmacksmack*
Me: get behind me Satan!
Satan: not tonight, I’ve got a headache
Heroes and Herpes are just one tiny letter different, and other things I find out when I’m not wearing my glasses.
i’m so old i’m almost back in style
VITAMIN WATER: we’re like water, but with vitamins
ME: which ones
VITAMIN WATER: well sugar is a vitamin
ME: no it’s not
VITAMIN WATER: what about blue
“Weight Watchers” because “Obesity Observers” was too cerebral.
Laying a trap for my boyfriend by asking him if he thinks I look too skinny
In case you ever worry you spend to much money on dumb things you should know they’re still making Grey’s Anatomy
Who called it asking the waiter about the specials and not retrieving data from the server
Anyone else’s grandma used to slip them a five dollar bill like the mob bribing a witness not to testify?
“…just don’t tell your mother.”
I knew a guy who came so fast it traveled through time, like he’d squeeze one boob and the jizz splattered my mom in 1955
Me: Mark from Boston, you’re on the air.
Therapist: You pretend to be a radio host to avoid confrontation.
M: Let’s take another call.
I’m white, but not cage free range eggs in my quinoa-kale quiche for my gluten, lactose, and peanut free Sunday brunch white.
Instead of yelling “Hello?” when u think a murderer’s in your home, say “Goodbye” Then if he’s there he’ll be like well OK guess I’m leaving
Me: Here comes that hot single mom.
Brain: Talk to her!
Me: What should I say?
Brain: Anything!*points at baby*
Me: You gonna eat that?