Best Mother’s Day ever started with my 2.5yo sleeping in till 7:30am and falling asleep at 5:30pm!
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The kids wanted the Zero Gravity Laser Racer, a toy car that follows a laser.
I handed them a flashlight and pointed at the cat.
Just once I wish the McDonald’s drive-thru would say “I love you too.”
ME: This house is haunted
WIFE [sigh] We’ve been thru this, that’s our son
SON: I just have a pale complexion Dad
ME: TELL ME YOU HEARD THAT
Nailed it!👇🏻🤣🤣😆
Cashier: the receipt is in the bag
Me: you too
Cleanliness is next to godliness in a dictionary missing some stuff
My husband just called to ask me what aisle something is in because he won’t ask for directions in a grocery store either.
“We’re all in this together” used to sound comforting — until I realized it means I’m relying on a lot of stupid Americans to stay alive.
Went for a handshake and got snubbed. So I turned it into an impromptu Macarena dance, since I didn’t wanna look stupid
*chad kroeger walks through metal detector at airport*
TSA agent: I’ve never seen this low of a reading
NO THAT IS OBVIOUSLY NOT WHAT I’M LOOKING FOR GOOGLE
“I will NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”
-my phone
5’s friend told him his mom makes play doh. Thanks Pinterest. I’m already expected to cook 3 meals a day, now I have to cook their toys too?
*books 90 minute massage*
Me: DON’T TOUCH ME. I’m only here for the nap.
Actually, I thought 50 Shades Of Grey was about Taco Bell meat.
There’s a girl that I hate in my office that’s white but looks like ‘Precious’. I’ve been calling her “Pressure” & blaming my farts on her.
My boss is coming to my grandad’s funeral tomorrow.
He said, after his 3 previous funerals he personally wants to see him go in the ground
The name “Boeing” makes so much sense now considering it’s basically the sound of something hitting the ground and bouncing.
IF YOUR GIRLFRIEND ASKS IF YOU WOULD STILL LOVE HER IF SHE WAS A WORM, JUST SAY YES. SHE WILL NEVER BE A WORM. YOU WILL NEVER ACTUALLY HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT. BUT YOU WILL HAVE TO DEAL WITH THE GIRLFRIEND WHO THINKS YOU WOULDN’T LOVE HER IF SHE WAS A WORM AND SHE IS MAD
[Spelling Bee]
Her: Your word is consent.
Him: Can you describe the word?
Her: Yes.
Witness protection, but for men who have accidentally told a woman she looks tired
[really awkward birthday party]
FIRST EVER PERSON TO SING HAPPY BIRTHDAY: [takes deep breath]
Meow
If a tree falls on your ex on the woods and no one hears it you should still get rid of the chainsaw.
..Just in case!
John Hammond: We’ve got miles of electrified fence to keep the dinosaurs in and the guests safe
Me: Awesome so there’s no chance one disgruntled employee could disable them all with minimal effort right?
John Hammond: Haha what
Me: I woke up feeling super happy and confident, this is great! Nothing can go wrong.
Those Shoes That Make My Feet Smell Like Old Cheese: hey girl. wear me.
Favorite question to ask a prospective boyfriend for my sister:
Have you ever seen a dead body?
*casually lifts shirt to expose .357*
My last turkey joke was deleted due to fowl language.
#Thanksgiving #RubbishJokes #ThursdayMorning
Do you ever get shampoo in your eyes and wonder what the name of your guide dog will be?
Fact:
“Intercourse” sounds more like it’s about vehicular traffic than sex.