*brings a full menstrual cup to a bank robbery
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A billion yahoo accounts got hacked, but the most surprising thing is that a billion people had yahoo accounts.
Watching tv with 4 and now he knows the word crescent.
All I learned as a kid was how hard to hit a cat with a frying pan without killing it
Looking at hotels, one review says there are “drug attics” here.
Well what a fun little storage idea!
Booked it
Since joining twitter I’ve started 2 new collections ………. Dust and cobwebs !
My friend just told me she’s sick and when I asked how she thinks she got it she told me it all started when she yelled at a bird who attacked her and I don’t know if I’m ready to dive into this
I read that the middle child is becoming extinct, so I guess you could say I’m an endangered species.
Me: I’m exhausted.
My mom: You look exhausted.
Me: How DARE you.
– “It Wasn’t Me” plays on radio
10: why were they naked banging on the bathroom floor?
Me:
10:
Me: a robber came, took all their clothes then locked them in the bathroom and they were trying to alert people to their situation
10: weird
Me: so weird
10:
Me:
10: cool
Me: cool
You should never text and drive. All it takes is one moment of distraction and suddenly everyone in the group chat thinks you can’t spell.
Me: *facepalm*
CDC: Stop that.
Me: Whoa…What are you doing?
Wife: I’m donating some of your books…They’re just taking up space.
Me: You don’t get rid of books…besides half of those aren’t even colored yet.
Her:
The guy next to me at the airport bar, after an hour of silence, suddenly pushed back his chair, locked eyes, and said, “It’s been a goddamn pleasure making your acquaintance,” and walked out. An A+ interaction.
Experts say we may be as little as two days away from finally leaving the March Age. The next epoch is provisionally being called “April,” and is also expected to last 5-10 million years.
Fun morning at work…does Costco sell voodoo dolls in bulk?
Flavor Flav: do you know what time it is?
Audience: WOOOOOOOOO
Flavor Flav: I SAID DO YOU KNOW WHAT TIME IT IS?
Me: *normal speaking voice* 9.37pm
I just realized how long ago 2008 was, and I’ve decided I don’t like time any more
My daughter just called me “Whatever your name is” so you know I’m killing it at parenting multiple kids over here.
As someone with extensive IT experience, I can almost guarantee the AT&T outage yesterday was over some certificate expiring somewhere and nobody knowing how to regenerate it because Carl got laid off seven years ago and the only machine with the keys decommissioned in 2019.
Bikes are held up by witchcraft if u can ride a bike you are a level 1 wizard & if u can ride a unicycle you are a level 2 dork haha owned
I’ve never had a problem stepping up to the plate.
We’re talking about food, right?
[eyeing a beautiful woman]
ME: mmmm I love tight yoga pants
HER: they look terrible on you
Having allergies is so embarrassing. Could I have some medicine? I’m being bullied by the air.
If aliens come I hope they bring us a new animal to eat. I’ve about had it with beef and chicken.
My toddler took a sip of my margarita and made an adorable pucker-face. She went back for a 2nd sip and giggled. After sips 3 & 4 she called her daycare friends to say she missed them. Things got ugly with sip 5 when she started blaming her stuffed animals for society’s problems.
I do my part to help the community by honking and being obnoxious when rich couples driving audi 4wds are surveying “charming properties” along the back roads
Reasons people get divorced:
-irreconcilable differences
-infidelity
-finances
-husband starts using the term boi
-lack of intimacy
Date: I usually go for the most annoying people possible
Me: actually I just listened to a podcast about that..
Date: *starts playing with hair* oh really
[dracula slapping mosquito]
holy shit that really IS annoying
obsessed with this tiktoker who has leaned into his miss piggy impression by recreating movie scenes like the monologue from hereditary
when nothing goes right… go left