Shrek is a nye movie because the years start coming and they simply do not stop coming
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Crucifixion art is so depressing. Every time I look at Jesus, I can’t help thinking…I’ll never have abs like that.
If people start referring to your outfits as “get-ups,” you might want to start rethinking some of your fashion choices.
ME: How do I get on that goth hot air balloon?
FRIEND: That’s a solar eclipse
Therapist: Ok one more time. We’re gonna keep our friends close and where do we keep our enemies?
Me: …in the basement?
Took a personality test and the results just said “uh-oh”
I love getting socks for Christmas idk what you people are complaining about
I would rather that you’d just paid some of my bills, but thanks for this combination rubik’s cube/pepper grinder.
Had the old “waterboarding your coworkers for making your coffee get cold is not punishment fitting the crime” talk with HR today.
Again.
The amount of people I know who have disliked me because someone told them to is staggering. Like dude, give me a chance… I’ll give you a reason. I promise.
My wife is in a Facebook group called Buy Nothing where people list stuff they’re giving away.
The other day, a lady came to our house to pick up two granola bars that we didn’t like
Kid: Fire is magic.
Me: No, it’s science.
Kid: Oh yeah? What’s fire made of?
Me:
Kid: Magic.
whenever someone i know introduces me to someone else i say, “oh, this is the one u were talking about” &watch the awkward stares!
huge if true: the moon
i’m so old i’m almost back in style
I take great pride in the fact that I have told you “the stupidest thing you’ve ever heard” in more than one argument
My buddy’s wife put him on a strict diet, so now I earn money by selling him Reese’s through the back door.
What’s Biden’s plan to make bloggers post the recipe at the beginning of the post instead of at the end
*someone hands me a baby*
Oh… no thank you
*places baby on the ground*
the problem with buying a lovely loaf of bread is you then need to eat it in three days. toast for breakfast, sandwiches for lunch, toast for dinner, bread for a snack, bread in salad, bread as a hat, make a bread friend called bread and spend the night watching bread together
Me: There’s a guy in Toronto who survived being shot thirty times. He’s totally fine now
Wife: I am not shooting you. Just go to work
I had to have a conversation with 4 about how not every older lady is his grandmother and he should stop yelling ITS GRANDMA at every old lady we see
[at Goodwill store]
*buys pants that I gave them 6 months ago*
I forgot the word “umbrella” so I offered to share my roof on a stick.
I live in constant fear that my kid will become a famous artist or painter and I will have thrown out about a trillion dollars of her work
horse prosecutor: did you do it?
horse defendant: neigh
horse prosecutor: here, have some water and think again
horse defense attorney: objection! leading the witness!
hate seeing someone driving a cement mixer and theyre mixing the cement as they drive. mix it at home and just drive
[Commercial for Disneyland]
Are you sunburnt and broke? Want to?
Smokey: “Only you can prevent forest fires”
Me: HOLY SHIT A TALKING BEAR
Umbrellas are cool because they keep 8% of you dry AND give you a big soggy stick to carry around all day!