My husband asked me what I need at Target… Target will tell me what I need thanks
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Me: I banged your Mom.
My Son: I know, Dad. I know.
Dear every guy that works out excessively, the sun is out! NOW is your moment! It was all worth it! Take that shirt off and walk around!!
There is actually a grim reaper for every species. The mantis reaper is the coolest and the scariest and she doesn’t even have to use a scythe.
We save women and children first because the dads have to make sure all the lights are off and the thermostat is set appropriately.
Telling a woman to get back in the kitchen is a weird insult to lob on Twitter. We can still tweet from kitchens. We have wifi & data plans.
You know what they say about poison ivy – leaves of three, run screaming away and spend the rest of summer inside binge watching Netflix because Netflix never gives you rashes.
I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
If I was a witch I would cast vague and subtle spells. So and so never gets to see a rainbow again. That type of stuff.
[Hall of Justice]
Aquaman: How do you expect me to ignite the TNT below Kaiser’s floating fortress?
Waterproof Match Man: Maybe I can help.
I hate when I gain 10 pounds for a role then realize I’m not even an actress.
does anyone know how to use nunchucks, I got a pair for xmas and I’ve just been swinging em around real fa
2: Mommy!!
Me: Yes?
2: NOOOOOOOOO!
It’s weird how opposites attract, like red wine & a new shirt
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
The best part about putting your cat on a diet is the frequent wake up calls every couple of hours starting around 2am 🙃
Just finished watching a movie, and I shall now begin my post-movie watching tradition of Googling who everyone in the cast is married to.
Do you want to see a 4yo cry on their birthday? Give them a Slinky and wait about 7 minutes.
I’m opening a funeral home that has a bar in it. I know right?
*trapped in a sinking car*
I should call 911
*car fills with water*
Ugh I hate phone calls
*head barely above water*
Can I just text them
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I’m foolish with money
“He used our life savings to buy a tiger”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A CAT, KAREN
Must. Not. Reply. To. That. Rhetorical. Question, Ahhh.
Ok, the temptation passed. You’re safe.
My husband is out of surgery and in recovery. What was the first thing my drug induced sweetheart said to me? That he loved me? That I was beautiful? That he missed me?
Nope.
Mashed potatoes. That’s what he said. Mashed potatoes. Get me some mashed potatoes.
Just found out my 6yo has mono and the doctor who diagnosed her asked if anyone in the house has similar symptoms, including excessive fatigue. Um, Sir, based on that alone, I’ve had mono since 2009.
“We survived WW2 we can get through Brexit!”
“Gareth you are 41 and have never even gone paintballing what the absolute shit are you talking about”
If there’s anything I’ve learned from Twitter, it’s that men think they hate filters but have no idea when they’re being used.
hey you guys, as a reminder, please don’t “save” couches if you find them outside. The mother is probably nearby and she will reject it if it smells like people.
me: anybody see how my deck was damaged?
him: chainsaw
me: then Chain needs to tell
This aging app is really getting people’s hopes up that the world will still be here when they’re old