Sometimes I go to the beach just to show those handsome young men what they’ll look like in twenty years.
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RELATIONSHIPS: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job
ok so i’m watching gladiator and the romans are white people with british accents. ok hollywood. alright.
And on the 8th day, God almost created Lionel Richie but was all like “Naw, I’ll just hold off a few thousand years then one day HELLO!”
Just got hospitalized due to a peekaboo
accident.They put me in the ICU.
This cat poop tastes like I’m about to get yelled at.
— Dogs
I’ve watched “Aladdin” like 25 times with my kids, so I know quite a bit about politics in the Middle East.
*replaces birthday candles with flamethrowers for fun*
*wakes up in Emergency*
Shortcut
I hope it’s French Onion!
My boyfriend thinks I ask “dumb questions” like “would you love me if I were a worm” and then turns around and asks me shit like do I think it would be funny if he started doing Patrick Bateman’s care routine as a bit
I used to wonder what it’d be like to read other people’s minds.
Then I got a Twitter account, and I’m over it.
20’s: I am invincible!
40’s: I am very vincible
Please can I keep him – he followed me home!
idea: business cards that just say NO
Sir can I have 5 mins of ur [card]
Girl can I get ur number [card]
BRO DID U STEAL MY NO CARDS [card]
[a pig opens the door for me]
Thank you, ha’am.
I tiptoe near my medicine cabinet bc I don’t want to wake my sleeping pills.
I say “correct me if I wrong” just to make people listen to me.
Blending in with the normals like:
Her: A baby! Oh he’s so cute I want to pinch his cheeks! Can I hold him?
Her: Oh my God I could just eat him up!
Me: I also wish to cannibalize the infant
I had to memorize a random 18 digit password before she’d let me in. Guess who stole your Soap Opera Digest out of the mailbox, Mom?
The most avoided species of shark is the Loan
*pronounces surface like Versace*
until mcdonalds agrees to make their hamburgers healthy i will be boycotting a different mcdonalds location every day. today I’ll start with the mcdonalds furthest from me and work towards me. I’ll be getting a burger at the nearest mcdonalds until this is rectified
Look, we’ve all dreamed of seeing a car caught on a rising bollard. Don’t pretend you haven’t.
Do you think I can get a new ringtone on this ankle monitor?
A British person will be slightly insulted by someone, not say anything, nurture a lingering resentment, patiently bide their time, and eventually, in an unrelated conversation with the person years later, will remark, “that’s typical of you.” Usually across a dining table.
Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.
Merry Christmas to everyone except the guy who wrote the instructions on how to put this trampoline together.
Cop: anything in your pockets that might hurt me?
“Nah”
*cop pulls out a pic of his ex GF and suspect*
Cop: *wiping tears* I’m over it
[sees people filming a movie] yeah real original. a movie. like that’s never been done before
how much for the angry fruit?