3 unravelled an entire toilet roll when I wasn’t looking so I wrapped him in it, stood him in the corner of the bathroom and told him to spin round slowly when someone needs to use it
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Who called them ghosts instead of post-existing conditions?
Ever have an itch you just can’t seem to scratch? That’s a past life itch…probably cuz you were a donkey
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board?
dad: *nudge* could’ve been you
a philosopher: *sigh*
flight attendant: we are going to crash and can either hit a field and kill 1 farmer or a runway and kill 5
dad: what
a philosopher: IT’S HAPPENING OH MY GOD IT’S REALLY HAPPENING
[approaches outdoor cafe holding balloon w/face drawn on it]
Hello table for two ple- [large gust carries balloon away] OH NO MY WIFE
me, turning into a werewolf: get out of here. it’s not safe
girl: [holding a tennis ball behind back] i think i’ll b fine lmao
Thank god it‘s friday. Only 40 more years of working.
When my wife sends me to the grocery store solo with a specific list I am not allowed to improvise. That was made clear when I got home.
How bad is it, doc?
“Well, you’ll never run again”
So basically the same
It’s bikini season, so you’re allowed to shoot bikinis as long as you have a permit.
I hope when the Avengers meet Spider-Man they give him shit for not helping when NYC got attacked.
My spirit animal is fried chicken
“I don’t think we should see each other anymore.”
*turns off lights*
*giggles*
My refrigerator is so full I have to slide the Country Crock out like I’m playing Jenga
90% of parenting is crumb identification.
I woke up in the middle of the night to find my 4-year old staring me in the face, and then she said, “ mom, I love you, but I’m cancelling swimming lessons.” My life is the worst scary movie ever.
please tell me the Barbie movie ends with Barbie and Ken walking away from a massive pink explosion in slow motion and Ken says “come on, Barbie, let’s go party”
@PawAndPups @SussexDetective Lol reminds me of this 👇🏾
You don’t need to put “liquid” in front of “diarrhea”. We get it.
Matthew McConaughey walks into a bakery…
Matthew: “Can I get three loaves of bread please?”
Baker: “What type do you want sir?”
Matthew: “All rye, all rye, all rye.”
Overheard 10 plan her b-day party with her BFF, including renting several hotel rooms for a mega sleepover.
Somebody tell her, I can’t.
Them: Bill, how are you doing?
Me: Last night I shaved my left leg and named it Delores. How do you think I’m doing?
Every time I go into the freezer I ritualistically sacrifice at least one piece of ice to the kitchen floor gods.
Child: What’s a pandemic?
Me: It’s like a potdemic but flatter.
Child: I’ll ask mom.
My first class ticket to the weekend never arrived, so I went couch.
Marriage has an interesting way of turning the word ‘whatever’ into a flamethrower.
*rip*
stupid
*rip*
automatic
*rip*
STOP
*rip*
GIVING
*rip*
ME
*rip*
PAPER
*rip*
TOWELS
*rip*
you will never know the true number of layers
I want you to cuff my hands behind my back.
Not for sex play but to keep my fingers away from the keyboard after reading some of the stupid shit you post.
I just turned my toaster upside down and dislodged 5 years’ worth of charred breakfast remnants and a single screw that I hope wasn’t important.
ME: [googling Why Do I Have A Migraine?]
GOOGLE: You need caffeine. You drink too much caffeine. You need sleep. You sleep too much. You need to eat. Food can cause migraines. The weather changed & you should’ve figured out how to control that. You need to go back in time and-