*shows up at your potluck with a handful of McDonald’s ketchup packets*
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I will walk one state over to avoid parallel parking.
Well, maybe they shouldn’t have asked me to play lawn darts while my ex was standing there like some sort of human target.
[playing poker]
“I’m all in”
*slowly pushes a half-eaten burrito and a cat to middle of the table*
A kleptomaniac in a bakery really takes the cake
Fun Fact: If someone’s car alarm keeps going off, you’re legally obligated to set the car on fire.
Phone
Me: *rushed* I’ll be there but I need to get the chocolate rice crispies cereal out of my hair first
Person: How…
Me: I don’t want to talk about it
When I’m old enough, my kids better not leave me alone with a box of Crayolas and anything upholstered
I went for a drive but I forgot my glasses. I didn’t even realize I had forgotten them until the guy lying on my windshield said something.
No Brett, I didn’t even read that email. I’m not speaking to you because I overheard your Starbucks order this morning.
I always strip to the waist when I quit a job.
Sex is like ice fishing.
If you put your pole in enough holes, you’ll eventually catch something.
Good thing you put a swing in your birds cage he’s probably on that thing like
“MAN THIS IS WAY BETTER THAN FLYING”
You said clothes were 50% off
But not one woman in here is topless
That false advertising!
Smile they said.
I always get self conscious buying toilet paper like some high schooler is gonna take a picture of me and post it online with the caption “lmao this dude poops”
I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
me and my coworkers logging into all of our meetings remotely for the next couple of weeks
“This is the coolest underwater sci-fi movie ever.”
-me, drunk, watching the pool vac
My body is a temple
for potatoes.
I would never want to go on a date with The Kool-Aid man partially because he is a large juice but mainly because I think the financial strain from the wall repair bills would cause issues in our relationship.
subtitles are so good nowadays
Random girl: OMG I love your UGG boots
Me: No No… that’s just the way my feet look
People in the bar at closing time are kinda like samples at Costco.
Both seem so much better before you take them home.
GF: What a perfect night
ME: It gets better *bends on 1 knee* Will you…
GF: OMG yes!
ME: *puts Space Jam DVD on her finger* put this in?
[first day as doctor]
me: you haven’t been getting enough sleep
patient: how can you tell?
me: *tapping x-ray* no spiders
My daughter had a friend who comes over that makes my other kids look less weird. I wish she was here more often.
“Have you had a shower today?”
Yes, but thank you for clarification that it hasn’t made me look neat, fresh or washed
People terrible at the sex should take notes from dentists & give out goody bags. It’s like yeah that was all uncomfortable but here’s some goodies so you’ll hit me up again.
6km run followed by a blueberry muffin for breakfast… life is all about balance people! 😆