If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
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I stopped drinking water for a few days cause I was starting to think I was addicted. I just wanted to make sure I could pull back if I needed to.
You’re not allowed to be an eyewitness on the news unless you’re the most confused person at the scene.
San Francisco has too many rules
Government Shutdown: Day 4
3am: Monkey House, National Zoo
A door crashes open.
A triumphant screech.Ben Stiller escapes into the night.
honestly if they just added caffeine straight to hazelnut creamer, it would save me a lot of time
ME: This house is haunted by a teenager who died here
HIM: Nothing is happening
ME: It’s midday, he doesn’t get up until mid-afternoon
That time I tried to clap while doing a push-up and almost died.
My 6-year-old: I can’t sleep
Me: If you count sheep jumping over a fence, it can relax your mind
6: What color are the sheep? Wait, what color is the fence? Wait, why are they jumping? WAIT, IS A WOLF GOING TO EAT THEM…?
I always carry a piece of paper with me, just in case someone tries to attack me with a rock.
Why do I have so many emails?
I don’t mean mail, I mean addresses.
The scientifically proven most effective way of cooling off your fighter in between rounds. #PFLPlayoffs
Any refunds available?…
The best part of running at 5am is the irrational, adult fear of zombies to keep you going.
I logged back into Facebook for 5 minutes and now I have 3 scheduled fist fights, and my family disowned me.
But hey, Karen got a puppy!
Who snuck Monday in here? 🙄
Kids really be like, it’s too much work to load the dishwasher but let me try to balance this plate on top of this 2 foot stack of glasses, pots and pans in the sink
“This movie is intended for 18+ viewers.” Bro, I don’t have 17 friends to watch this with.
If you’re wondering what good can come from all of this, at least they’re now putting tamper seals on pizza boxes.
I haven’t showered I’m wearing my clothes from yesterday I will undoubtedly run into someone I know at the store as I run in for milk.
“there’s no word that contains all the vowels in order”, I said facetiously
Customer: can you help me?
Me: whoa hey look lady, I just work here okay?
cop: do you know how fast you were going?
me: kinda feel like that’s your job buddy
I never understood how a mother could lift a car with a child trapped under,
until my phone got stuck under my bed.
[best read with a French accent]
“I am so very sorry sir, without a reservation, there is simply nothing I can do for you.”
it’s only anxiety if it comes from the anxious region of the brain otherwise it’s just sparkling nervousness
a fun thing to do when someone enters the elevator is to calmly say to them “I was murdered in this very elevator exactly one year ago”
My favorite doll’s husband was made by me, of a shampoo bottle and a ping pong ball. Good guy, but he just couldn’t stop losing his head over things. Literally
As a baby I took my son Caden to the park. Other kids there were Aiden Jayden Brayden & Ben. The parents that named Ben should get an award.
Best friend, helping me dig a hole: so tell me again what happened?
Me: he came home to me sitting on the couch after I spent the entire day cleaning the house and said, ‘you’re just where I left you.’